I thought I was breathing. I exhaled. My soul was taking in nourishment. Deep cleansing nourishment. I started dreaming.
Last Thursday I woke up and felt a deep dark heaviness surround me. I grabbed colored pencils to take to work with me that morning because I wanted to draw what it felt like to show my counselor. Having just returned from Mexico where many of the roads were cobblestone …I had planed to draw a narrow path of bright cobblestone rocks, and along the path would be birds, rainbows, flowers ….and as I walked along this path I had a pink umbrella covering me and all of these beautiful things were under the umbrella and the path was shimmery sparkle, but all that surrounded this narrow path was a foggy darkness. A Heavy Darkness, and it was pressing in on the path. That was what it felt like that morning.
I took the colored pencils to work but was so busy I never did anything with them. I headed to my appointment and on the drive there as I was switching channels, I heard this song for the first time – “Human”, by Christina Perri. It hit a nerve. A very raw nerve.
“I can hold my breath.”
That is the first line in the song. Then the chorus, “But, I’m only human, and I bleed when I fall down.” and later… “I can turn it on. Be a good machine. I can hold the weight of worlds if that is what you need, be your everything. I can do it! I can do it!!”
Hearing this song was overwhelming. Music does that to me. It screams the things I dare to utter.
I made it up the steps holding emotion and opened the door to this on the wall. I was all alone in the waiting room. I stood there and took a picture. It was my vision. This narrow bright path surrounded by a foggy darkness.
I tried to explain it to her even though I am not sure I even understand it all myself. I feel shielded and protected and loved by God. I feel like He is carrying me.
But I am so afraid.
So much fear. I don’t want to be afraid. I struggle to even say what I am afraid of but the fear is intense and its surrounding that path. When I left and was headed home, a huge storm came through and it was pouring so hard that traffic had almost stopped completely on the interstate. All you could see was flashing lights in front of you. It was loud and intense on the outside …but I was dry, covered, protected. Safe inside.
I was encouraged after the session and later posted verses with the path picture on Instagram to remind me of His goodness along that path. Yes, I am only human. But HE is my Lord. He guides me and protects me. He leads me in the way that time has proven true (Psalm 139:24)
I don’t have to hold my breath anymore. On this path with Him, there is fresh air for me to breathe. Air that smells like cotton candy. Air that reaches my depleted spaces to replenish and restore.
On Sunday, we had a “Nail it to the Cross” service at church from Colossians 2:7-14. I took my paper and I nailed FEAR to that cross. I have seen His Power and His Might and His Provision firsthand and I know I don’t have to be afraid. The human in me knows that I will be afraid. But, I am surrendering it to Him. I took my fear and then pounded it with that nail and with each pound it reverberated my insides.
I wish I could tell you that I am not afraid now. I’d be lying. I am afraid, but I am breathing. This bright narrow path limits me. It pauses me to rest. To remove distractions and obstacles. To move carefully and to move slow. In fact, on Monday the book arrived. I waited until everyone was in bed and then I opened it. I held it, flipped it open and read. I sat quietly and stared. I read some more. My husband looked over at me and said, “What are you doing? It’s been two hours?” I had only read a few pages, but I was breathing. Deep. Finding Spiritual Whitespace.
This is what the LORD says: “Stand at the crossroads and look; ask for the ancient paths, ask where the good way is, and walk in it, and you will find rest for your souls.