Warm water splashed my tears in the shower as I prayed out loud, “God, I am in a funk. Please help me.”
I don’t think I have ever said it quite that way before, but that was my sentence this morning. It may as well have been my sentence each morning for the whole week…. but this morning I said it, and I asked for help. Out loud. In tears.
Maybe you have been there, in a place that sinks low in the quicksand of despair that makes its way to the chin.
My head knows the truth.
My eyes see the truth.
My ears hear the truth.
But my heart is squeezed tight in a vice and the tears will not stop.
I listened to a lot of worship music. I compiled a list of Bible Verses for a conference that is coming up and I soaked in the truth of each verse. I ate bagels. I had my hair done, and my nails painted red (for love) and I went and picked up this book “What Your Heart Needs for the Hard Days” by Holley Gerth.
To me. From me. For me.
I read Chapter 1: God Wants to Lift You Up When Life Lets You Down, and it encouraged me.
I went for a lovely walk with my oldest and we had great conversation and discovered delicate beauty together.
It was a lovely evening, and then once the kids were tucked in bed… I went to my room and closed the door. I sobbed and sobbed, and ate a cookie and continued to cry tears into my pillow.
Later that night, a friend who was not aware of my tears, texted that she had prayed extra for me that night. And she texted these words… “He is with you. He knows. He will lift you up.”
I trusted He would…I just needed him to as soon as possible.
I woke up and the heaviness was still taking up places in my heart. The Bible Verse of the day was “lift” too:
Thankfully, my Thursday at 10:30 am counseling session was scheduled, and I could hardly wait. Entering that room is like entering the work zone with no hard hat required because it is safe. For two years now that room is where pieces of broken debris have been sorted and connected. The middle of the couch is where I can sit and whisper at the window and today I tremble and cry.
She helps me trace the pain. She helps me see all that triggered this funk, and when all of the world around me seems to fall away, she helps me to see Him with me then, and Him with me now. She helps me see His LOVE.
I walk out and on the magnetic wall someone has started “Love is” but they haven’t quite finished it. So I crop it and add the verses from 2 Corinthians 13:4-7 (MSG).
Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
Love doesn’t strut,
Doesn’t have a swelled head,
Doesn’t force itself on others,
Isn’t always “me first,”
Doesn’t fly off the handle,
Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.
Everything that describes LOVE is GOD.
GOD is LOVE.
We miss it. We mess up.
Others mess up.
He doesn’t. Ever.
God is love, and no matter how we feel, or how it seems, He is with us.
His love never fails.
That lifts me.