No turning back

Arresting Jesus, they marched him off and took him into the house of the Chief Priest. Peter followed, but at a safe distance.   Luke 22:54 (MSG)

“Peter followed Him, but at safe distance.”
That one sentence seared through my eyes and cut straight to my heart.
I will follow you Lord, but I may need to hold back a bit here just to be safe.
I am willing to do what you ask, up to a certain point.
Lord, I would never deny or discount everything you have done for me in my life.  Or would I?
Lord, I will follow you, and I will obey… mostly.
The bad dream and the butterfly really made an impact on me and I found myself thinking of it often.  I started writing out verses and all of the ways He is making me new.   I was reading in Isaiah 48 and another sentence jumped off of the page and I wrote it in my notebook:
Isaiah 48:6 You have heard these things; look at them all. Will you not admit them? 
Will you not admit them?  
Yes, Lord. Yes!  I continued to write.  I wrote about Voice.
And then, I shut down…
as in
‘you could hear a pin drop’.
Isn’t it ironic (or not) that I would write about voice and then get laryngitis?
It was really quiet, and in the silence tears poured for several days as images flashed in my mind.  My heart was in a vice and the grip was tight.  I wanted to quit.  I just wanted to be okay.  I desperately wanted to get over it and move on.  As if.
No Turning Back 
In church, my damp eyelashes remained closed as we sang “Christ Is Enough” by Hillsong and these words gave me fresh hope.
“Through every trial, my soul will sing
NO TURNING BACK.  I’VE BEEN SET FREE.”

I’m not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don’t get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I’ve got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I’m off and running, and I’m not turning back.   Philippians 3:12-14 (MSG)

I don’t have all of the answers.  I don’t even know what is next.  What I know is that HE is worth it, and I’m running (sometimes in very slow motion) to Him, and I’m not turning back.
He is safe.  I want to follow Him up close and personal.  I don’t want to hold back and keep a safe distance.  I don’t want to build new walls around the ‘hard hat required’ areas of my life.  I don’t want to put on another mask just to ‘be okay’. I want to get close to Him, just as I am.
I imagine Him patiently standing in front of me with His arms out saying “Come. Surrender. All of it.”  I let go of the fear, stop rehearsing all of the what-ifs, drop it all and run to Him.  He holds me in His arms, and I am safe.
He is the safety zone.  No matter the danger that lies ahead, and no matter the storm that swirls around, He is the place of safe refuge.

God Is with Us

God is our safe place and our strength. He is always our help when we are in trouble. So we will not be afraid, even if the earth is shaken and the mountains fall into the center of the sea, and even if its waters go wild with storm and the mountains shake with its action.  Psalm 46:1-3 NLV 

I will say to the Lord, “You are my safe and strong place, my God, in Whom I trust.”  Psalm 91:2 NLV

As for God, His way is perfect. The Word of the Lord is proven true. He is a covering to all who go to Him to be safe.  2 Samuel 22:31 NLV