I couldn’t sleep last night. Again.
There were times when I could easily blame caffeine. But this wasn’t caffeine.
This was anxiety, worry, and questioning God while tossing and turning.
Even when I attempted to close my eyes, my heart full of angst was wrestling inside of me.
There would be no sleep.
It’s a familiar place as I have been here before, but it’s been a while.
It’s almost like seeing life as a Fun House at the amusement park, but this is not fun at all. As I am walking through it the floors move, and the stairs stop suddenly halfway up to the next level. The walls give when I lean against them and mirrors reflect anything but what I am expecting. Furniture that was once there shifts. I think my mind is playing tricks on me. Maybe it is just an illusion, I hope.
But, it is very real.
It is at this moment, everything piles up and overwhelms me. My child is hurting and I want the pain to go away, now. Everything around me starts to fall apart like a row of dominos. Have you ever felt this way? Perhaps your job isn’t going so well and you don’t know what to do. Or maybe, your marriage is shaky and you are not sure why or how to make it solid again. You are sick and you just want to be better. Maybe others have let you down, and it has thrown you for a loop. Perhaps church is breaking your heart. Or, a friendship is fading. Something precious is lost.
There is betrayal, harm, disappointment and insecurity in every room. Trust is hard to find anywhere.
You have no control. Zero. There is nothing you can possibly do to change any of the circumstances.
You don’t understand it.
You can’t change it.
You can’t fix it.
And it hurts.
Have you been here? Does any of that resonate with you? (I always think, “Maybe, it’s just me?”)
As I kicked the covers around, I was believing Romans 8:28….God will work it out for my good. He has done it before, but the questions continued to roll around in my mind.
I wanted answers. I wanted to know what to do. I wanted all the wrong things to be right again. Scenarios played out in my head as I tossed and turned throughout the night.
I wanted control. I needed stability. I longed to believe and trust that life wasn’t like a Fun House after all.
In my weariness, I needed strength.
I read scripture, and I needed to pray, but words escaped me. I could not open my mouth.
I cannot sleep until you act. I am too distressed even to pray!
Psalm 77:4 TLB
Finally at 5am, I closed my eyes and I saw myself in an open field and I screamed the emphasized words below (in my head – I didn’t want to wake up my husband & kids):
GOD, I need you.
God, I need you.
God, I NEED you.
God, I need YOU.
He came, and I drifted to sleep and woke up a few hours later with peace. I still didn’t have any answers, but I had Jesus and He is enough.
HE is stronger than any of our circumstances.
His love never fails, even when everything else is falling apart.
Be still and know that He is God. Psalm 46:10
Sometimes, life feels like a Fun House and it is not fun at all. During these times, cling to Jesus and let Him carry you through. When any and everything around you feels unsteady – He is firm and steadfast. Don’t give up, just cry out to Him, praise Him, and keep going.
What about you? What verses help you on sleepless nights?
Linking up with Jennifer Dukes Lee