A note from my journal:
December 4, 2012: If IT could be used for good.
Never in a million years could you ever explain the MYSTERY of God to me. I mean, what could the mystery be when it is more like a Horror Story instead? What has gently and tenderly nudged my heart lately is the mystery. The mystery in….
He is not the Author of Evil. He does not orchestrate it, and it is simply not of His doing. Accept that first.
He is the ultimate and supreme. Regardless of what occurs in life from and of evil, God is still in control and rules.
I may never understand why, when, how…but I know He never left me, and He completely and overwhelmingly protected and blessed me.
Hitting rock bottom made me cry out and reach up.
My sin and experiences of my own doing, while painful, have allowed me to relate and encourage others… knowing how much grace has been extended to me.
There may never be this BIG thing that comes out of this for God’s Glory. IT may be little and it may just be one person that it helps, but it will be for God’s Glory and that alone is BIG.
So as much as I want to write, my pride and fear tells me NO WAY!
As much as I want to help and talk to other girls, MY pride and fear says NO WAY!
I don’t want the label, the attention, or to be defined in any way by it.
Which brings me to the mystery. So many things have happened recently that are what I refer to as Slivers of Hope… Glimpses of God …where I can relate, find, or see God in the circumstances. Even when they are bad, and even when they make me cry. I look for Him and I look for Good….and He tenderly reveals it.
Maybe these lines that I have drawn to protect me could be moved just a bit to help someone else. Maybe I can get to the place where I can say a little and hold the balance without saying a lot. No details, just how God was with me, protected me and ultimately used it for good.
Still doesn’t explain the Why’s and I may never know why.
But, I do know He loves me and he never left me.
He’s still holding my hand and he’s not letting go.
Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.