I celebrated telling my story and stepping into the light, but the next day was hard. I was exhausted both mentally and emotionally because my brain would not stop and I couldn’t stop crying. I kept remembering bits and pieces. It was crushing.
I was devastated and alone. I felt like everything was unraveling.
In my next counseling session, she encouraged me to think about bringing in my husband or telling him because she really thought I needed him alongside me. He knew something was going on with me, but I did not want to tell him. There were simply too many what-if’s and I felt like telling him would destroy everything.
The only homework she gave me was to focus on self-care. She encouraged me to: slow down enough to be present, feed yourself spiritually, make sure you eat, make sure you sleep, go for a walk with the kids and enjoy it like you never enjoyed it before. Enjoy your life. Reclaim that lost joy by really being present and enjoying those moments. Laugh! As easy as it all sounded, it seemed impossible.
Plus, things were tense in our marriage. My husband was so confused and did not understand what I was going through. When he asked me pointed questions, I lied.
I even wrote myself a note to remind me to never tell him.
If ever again you contemplate letting him in – DON’T.
You can’t trust him.
Reread as needed.
Just trying to protect you,
I gave her every excuse for why I shouldn’t tell him. She encouraged me to let my faith and beliefs help me to make the decision about sharing. It was all a matter of trust. She said it all boiled down to how big I thought God really was. I told her with everything else – He was huge, but with this… I’ve got this!!
She encouraged me to pray and trust Him to open the door for sharing so we could step into the light of freedom together and out of the darkness of lies. She let me know that it would not be easy, and this doesn’t mean I have to tell everyone, but for the one that God joined me with – we were not really joined. He needed to know, and it would take time but it would truly be worth it. She encouraged me to pray about it and let God prepare him.
She ended the session with, “Do you believe God is big and can do it? Let Him.”
This is post #4 in the Baby Steps series. To start at the beginning, click here.