If IT could be used for good.
I didn’t understand the mystery of God. What could the mystery of God be when it felt like a Horror Story. How do you find the mystery of God in horror? This mystery was starting to gently and tenderly nudge my heart.
I knew He was not the author of evil. He did not orchestrate it, and it was simply not of His doing. I knew He was the ultimate and the supreme, the beginning and the end. No matter what had happened in my life from evil, God was still in control.
I can’t say exactly why, when or how, but somehow I started to realize He never left me and He completely and overwhelmingly protected and blessed me.
My sinful experiences of my own doing, while painful, allowed me to relate to and encourage others knowing full well how much grace He had extended to me.
Maybe I could help others? It was just a quick thought.
I wasn’t sure if anything would ever come of this, but if just one person could be helped and it was for God’s glory then that alone was big enough for me. I had this desire to write, and as much as I wanted to write or help others, my pride and fear were screaming “NO WAY!”
I didn’t want the label, the attention or to be defined by it in any way. No thanks.
And yet, I was starting to see the mystery of God. Many things were happening where I would relate, find or see God in the circumstances. I called them slivers, glimpses of God, hope, God-winks. Sometimes they were even bad or hard and made me cry, but I would look for Him and look for good and He would tenderly reveal it to my heart.
It helped to take walks in nature. I called them prayer walks. I prayed, listened to music, and tried to process all that was happening in my life. I would pause and take pictures of beautiful flowers or birds. I looked for beauty and it made me smile. I’m not even sure I paid attention in the past, but now I took the time to slow down and notice.
I started asking questions. “God, what are you doing? Why is this so hard? Why me?”
I knew there were others out there just like me hiding awful secrets. As much as I wanted to protect myself, I wanted to help them. I wanted to get to a place where I could say a little without saying a lot.