I have always struggled with fear and what if’s.
I worried about my kids and wanted to keep them safe. I rarely used a babysitter. I preferred to just bring them with us on a date rather than worry the entire time.
Fear always rattled my cage but no one knew because I wore the “I’m okay, it’s okay, let’s laugh and have fun because life is good” mask. Somehow, as long as I was dancing that dance, it made it almost felt true.
Still, the fear roared behind the smile.
Just the thought of disclosing the abuse made me freeze with fear as I imagined all the domino effects. I felt like I was completely and absolutely responsible over where, when and how each domino would fall. After several fatal scenarios played out in my mind, I wanted to give up.
It consumed me to think about everything that could go wrong. Those life long fears surfaced and the loud voices in my head pleaded with me to just quit because there was too much risk.
When I shared this with my counselor, she gently brought to my attention that God was big enough to handle all of the dominos. He was big enough to work it out in those individuals and their hearts.
I knew I was not capable of working any of it out, but I also realized that I was afraid to let Him or believe that He could.
In the middle of sweaty exercise, it hit me. All of these things that I do to protect myself and to protect my world leaves very little room for God to do His thing.
Did I really believe that He worked all things together for good?
I knew that my head trusted Him, but my heart was learning how to trust. My head knew about His unfailing love but my heart was just starting to open up to His love. I wanted to let go of the fear and trust Him with everything, big and small.
Often, I would remind myself and even say out loud, “He’s with me. He will protect me. He is in charge.”
When I am tapped into His strength and follow Him, I don’t have to juggle and manage so much.
I was used to holding on tightly and He was teaching me to let go.
Let the Domino’s fall where they may. He is a big God. I am His beloved daughter and I am simply called to trust Him and take the next step.
It was time to let Him into the driver’s seat.