Baby Steps: He gives me hope.

February 14, 2013

I decided to try and find blogs that related to my story. I’d looked before I started counseling and didn’t come across any.  This time I found a Tumblr blog where a girl took pictures of women holding up signs with statements that related to their story.

For example, one lady held a sign that said, “No one will ever believe you.”

I started clicking through each photo, and noticed at the bottom of the page it listed all of the blogs that were following this blog.  I finally found the blogs I’d been looking for and I started reading. Real stories. True life. Despair.

By the time my husband came home, I was sobbing and my eyes and nose were a puffy red mess.  I was a wreck.

Every other page said, “trigger warning” and the stories were so sad. Some shared all of the details. Some abruptly stopped posting so I had no idea how it ended. It was really hard stuff to take in.

I closed my laptop to put it all away and then, the voices started.  “Who do you think you are?  You think your story will end any different? You really want to put all of this out there for others to read?  What are you thinking? You will regret it.”

At the time, I had an anonymous blog  using the alias, “pink” and not my real name. I was already worried about being discovered.  What if someone read it and figured out it was me?  By the time I went to bed, my eyes were wide-open in panic and my heart was sinking. I’m going to be found out and everything will be ruined. Worries kept popping up and it felt like a full force attack.

I finally fell asleep and had a vivid dream and I wanted to write it down but I couldn’t wake up enough. Then, I had a another dream and it was about two pretzels.

There was a plain pretzel, and then another pretzel dipped in white chocolate and covered in sprinkles and in the dream I kept saying, “Yes, but a pretzel is still a pretzel”…and the message was they were both pretzels, but the one that had the sprinkles on it portrayed HOPE.

I woke up encouraged because Jesus is the sprinkles on my pretzel. I could relate to the stories and the life experiences on those blogs, but it all felt like the focus was all on the pretzel. My story didn’t change, but with Jesus there was hope.

The pretzel is important and it is a big deal, but I never wanted to forget the sprinkles.

Oh, the sprinkles.

Hope changes everything. Jesus gives me hope.

Remember your word to your servant,
for you have given me hope.  Psalm 119:49 NIV

2 thoughts on “Baby Steps: He gives me hope.

  1. I am so sorry you had to go through all that you did. I would have never known except through this blog. I know you are such a sweet, reserved Christian woman. You inspire me with your courage. Don’t let this define you. You are more than what happened to you. You are a shining example of how Christ loves us and how he can heal anything. Continue believing in His power to overcome our anxieties and fears. I know you have surrendered it all to God. You are a survivor and loved by Him, as well as those who know you.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Oh yes, with Jesus there is hope, Michelle. We could never do without Him as our Anchor of Hope, could we? I’m sorry I get behind with these 31 days’ blogs. I don’t always get every one read. Even when I do read some, I don’t always comment. But I think you already know how much I care about you. You will be in my heart always. May God keep healing us ever deeper! Love and hugs!

    Like

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