My counselor asked me how is Valentine’s Day for you?
I just looked down. I didn’t know why it was so hard, but I have always struggled. I tried to explain, but I couldn’t put words to it. That is the craziest part sometimes because I really know what I feel but I have no way to describe it. I think God was allowing experience after experience for me to be able to find words and wrap my head around it all.
I said, “I really don’t know why it is so hard for me. I guess I don’t want to hear from him. I started dreading it last night worrying if he would send me a card, call or post something on my Facebook page. I think there is more, but I don’t know to say it.”
She said, “It sounds like you have a voice and you want to use that voice. What if you say to him, please don’t post on my page?”
I couldn’t imagine saying that without it escalating.
She suggested I send him a text or message him. I thought that would be better, BUT then the cat would be out of the bag.
She said, “Michelle, the cat is already out of the bag. It is not like you are telling him something he doesn’t already know! At some point you have to say, ‘It is not going to be the way it was before.’”
She asked, “What are your options? What are you going to do? Let’s make a plan.”
I thought about it, paused and said, “Well, I guess if he posts on my page, then I can delete it. Or, I can switch others to close friends except him, or maybe I could just delete my page and get off of Facebook completely.”
She said, “It sounds like you are doing what you have done your whole life. You are thinking of ways to manage your environment when you have a voice now! If you don’t want him to write on your page, you can tell him. Just tell him whatever you are comfortable with, but you have a voice. I hear it! He needs to hear it.”
Easier said than done.
I wish I had the nerve to say something or do more, but right now I just don’t.
Valentine’s Day. It is hard because I don’t understand love, red, pink (I’m getting better with pink!) and the innocence of cupid.
Why are special days so hard?
The next hard day for me would be my birthday. We talked about it and she suggested I think of new traditions for my birthday. Maybe we could go away or something and just truly enjoy the day.
Easier said than done.
Sometimes, God gives me a secular song and today I made this one my ringtone: “Catch My Breath” by Kelly Clarkson:
“I don’t wanna be left behind
Distance was a friend of mine
Catching breath in a web of lies
I’ve spent most of my life
Riding waves, playing acrobat
Shadowboxing the other half
Learning how to react
I’ve spent most of my time
Catching my breath, letting it go, turning my cheek for the sake of the show
Now that you know, this is my life, I won’t be told what’s supposed to be right.”
I also made it my ringback.
“GOD, my shepherd! I don’t need a thing. You have bedded me down in lush meadows, you find me quiet pools to drink from. True to your word, you let me catch my breath and send me in the right direction.” Psalm 23:1-3 MSG