It was my hardest counseling session so far because I said the hard stuff. I slowly put words together to describe the darkness. I sat there and trembled like a child in tears and whispered about the awful sights, smells, and sounds.
I felt a sensory overload as all that had been bottled up for years in silence finally made its way out word by awful word.
It was like taking a box of puzzle pieces, shaking it up and then letting them fly out onto the ground all at once. As I picked up each painful piece, I tried to talk about it. Over time, the pieces started to slowly connect and then the full image of the memory would be there before me and it really hurt. It made me angry and incredibly sad at the same time.
I felt so damaged and broken.
I found it extremely helpful to go to the ladies Bible Study each week. I didn’t say much, but it was comforting to be with others because I was truly hungry for truth and light after swimming so long in lies and darkness. We were working through the study of Daniel by Beth Moore and each week we watched a video at the end. In this video, she shared about how “we were holy vessels, but sometimes our holy vessels were used to toast an unholy cause.”
I was already shaking. I didn’t feel holy, and I certainly didn’t feel like a holy vessel.
She stared straight at us and had us stand to our feet and repeat after her as she read a Declaration of Holiness over our life. It was incredibly hard for me to stand there and barely move my lips.
I felt like I was going to explode and I wanted to sink through the floor.
As soon as she said the last word, I grabbed my books and ran to my car. I collapsed over the steering wheel in tears and all the way home I desperately prayed out loud in the car, “God, help me to believe you. I believe you in my head but please help me to believe you in my heart. I don’t feel it, and I want to believe. Please help me God! Help me to believe. Help my unbelief!”
This was the first time I recalled speaking the words out loud as I prayed. It reminded me of the father in Mark 9:24 who asked Jesus to heal his son and said, “I do believe, help me overcome my unbelief!”
A few days later, I was meeting some women at the church to pray and I just blurted out how hard it was for me to believe I was a holy vessel and that I was really struggling.
As soon as the words left my mouth, my insides filled with shame.
Later, we into the sanctuary and laid down flat at the altar to pray for the Beth Moore conference our ladies group planned to attend that weekend.
About halfway into our prayer time, I sat up and started praying aloud while lifting my head straight up towards the ceiling. My prayer grew louder and my voice grew stronger and bold.
My physical posture was lifted to the Most High. It was incredibly powerful.
He gave me my voice.
He lifted me.