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His light breaks my chains

November 4, 2018November 4, 2018 ~ Michelle Viscuse

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I’ve been stuck. . I haven’t posted much this year and I feel like I am so behind. I don’t even know where to start. I haven’t shared much here because I wanted to focus on writing my story. . I came to a defining moment in my story and I struggled to write it. . There were all of these emotions and personalities, and I was trying to write without saying too much. I always feel like I have said too much, as if I’ve already said it all. . But, when I look back at my blog posts I see they are all written in code. If you can relate, “code” language means I haven’t really said much. I say just enough to safely pull back if needed. I am fluent in the language of code. It was my survival. . When I reached this defining moment in my story, I found myself writing in code again. I was trying to say just enough but not too much . And, I couldn’t do it. . I closed my laptop on that chapter, and didn’t want to pick it up again. I didn’t pick it up again. . In the stewing, I came to realize that I can’t tell that moment in code. It has to be real, even if it is messy. . I couldn’t understand why I would write so many words, and then suddenly feel this overwhelming burden to be real. Really real. . God, really? . Really. . So, I am writing it with this new perspective and it is challenging. . Writing (or speaking) in code shields my own heart from delving into the emotional sea of betrayal and pain. If I can keep it as flowery as possible, then I can smile as I type as if I am dissociating from the words on the screen. . But, when I deep dive I usually end up in tears and I struggle to pick it up again. Why go there, when you can watch Netflix and eat ice cream? . It’s a vicious cycle... . To continue reading click #linkinprofile or visit www.journeypink.com/blog . #courage #hope #freedom #abuse #trauma #amwriting #childsexualabuse #childhoodsexualabuse #voice #truth #brave #memoir

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart. Hebrews 12:1-3 NIV

Today at church, on Mother’s Day, I shared how Jesus removed my “Grave Clothes.” The Pastor’s sermon was on the power of Jesus to raise Lazarus from the dead. At the end of the sermon, I shared my personal testimony of how Jesus removed my grave clothes. When he had said this, Jesus called in a loud voice, “Lazarus, come out!” The dead man came out, his hands and feet wrapped with strips of linen, and a cloth around his face. Jesus said to them, “Take off the grave clothes and let him go.” John 11:43-44 . To watch click link in bio or visit www.journeypink.com/blog . #courage #hope #freedom #shame #guilt #abuse #trauma #childsexualabuse #forgiveness #linkinbio #wonthedoit

When he had said this, Jesus called in a loud voice, “Lazarus, come out!” The dead man came out, his hands and feet wrapped with strips of linen, and a cloth around his face. Jesus said to them, “Take off the grave clothes and let him go.” John 11:43-44 NIV

When I sat on my counselor’s couch for the first time in 2012, I told her I did not want anyone to ever know my story. I just wanted to heal as quickly as possible. She assured me that I was safe to share with her and that healing would take time and hard work. I could hardly say the words – childhood sexual abuse. I certainly couldn’t see myself ever sharing my story with anyone, especially my husband and children. No way. No how. No never. But God. Fast forward to 2019… I went to Leland, NC for the Hope Run with @cryssutherland @journeytohealministries with my mom and daughter. My brother and his family joined us as virtual participants. It made my heart swell to have them with me. I was no longer hiding in the shadows of shame and darkness. Over time, God helped me to step into the light. I can’t describe to you what it was like to get to the run, step out of my car and see the people. It was surreal. In the sea of people, there were survivors and others were supporters, but you couldn’t tell them apart. Everyone gathered together in this one place and it demonstrated: “Your story matters, and we care. This is a big deal and we want to do something. It has to end!” I truly felt seen and loved. Childhood Sexual Abuse completely isolates you. The secrets are all yours to hold and manage. It is an incredibly lonely way to exist. But on this day, it was clear: survivors did not walk alone. They were surrounded by other survivors and supporters. It was a beautiful sight... to continue reading click #linkinbio or visit www.journeypink.com/blog . #healing #courage #freedom #hope #trauma #childhoodsexualabuse #childsexualabuse #SAAM #hoperun2019

Running towards Hope is not always easy, but it is always worth it. We who have run for our very lives to God have every reason to grab the promised hope with both hands and never let go. Hebrews 6:18 MSG

© Journey Pink 2013-2019

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