Grooming: Let’s talk about it.
A big part of preventing and healing from sexual abuse is recognizing and understanding grooming concepts.
Grooming is not always the same.
Some stages may be skipped or occur in a different order etc. Grooming happens to kids, teens, & adults, so tactics & techniques vary. It happens in-person & online.
Understanding these concepts is important because it most often happens in the “safety” of home, school, church, etc.
Predators behave in a way that makes you think they are charming, trustworthy & kind, but they are grooming you too to doubt that they are capable of harm.
It’s so important to listen to your gut & pay attention to any red flags, such as:
🚩 They create opportunities to be alone. Ex. Can you stay after school & work on this project? Cell phones, social media, & the internet make this process even more accessible because it can happen right in front of you while watching a movie in the living room as a family.
🚩 They appear to be helping or meeting a need. Ex. “I can bring her home from practice; I live just a few miles away.
🚩 They are very nice (at first), give extra attention, and show favoritism to make their victim feel special. If you notice something, ask questions like: “Where did you get that candy bar, bracelet, money, etc.? Oh, the coach gave it to you? Did everyone get one?”
🚩The mood/vibe changes & it can be subtle because the victim has had positive experiences with this person but now suddenly dreads getting in the car with them or staying after school, or maybe seems agitated or uncomfortable after encounters or just different than before.
🚩 The secrecy & shame keep the victim silent. They have been made to think that it’s their fault, no one will believe them, & they will be in trouble too. Pay attention to what you say when talking about other cases. “I don’t think he would ever do that! He’s such a Godly man.” Saying something like that affirms what the predator has promised – no one will believe you! So, the victim will continue to stay silent.
🚩 Boundaries are crossed. Ex. Tickling, hand on the leg, and playing with hair may seem innocent initially – but they are gauging your reaction. They are testing! Someone who’s already been abused is very vulnerable.
🚩Predators push boundaries to gauge your reaction.
THIS IS A TEST!
Sadly, an abuse victim is completely vulnerable.
Let me tell you how I know: it happened to me again & again. If someone touched me inappropriately – I froze. I had no concept of saying no because I had been conditioned to be quiet & still.
Here’s one example: One time, a predator put his hand on my backside, & I said nothing thinking maybe it was an accident. Later that day, he did the same thing to my friend, & she slapped him. Who will the predator continue to prey on? 🙋🏻♀️
It’s not that I was “easy”; I was vulnerable. I didn’t have boundaries or a voice. I couldn’t say no or slap him. Besides, I was 14, and he was over twice my age.
It wasn’t my fault. I was frozen. There’s fight or flight – but this is called “freeze.” My trauma response was to freeze.
I can see this now, but it reinforced something wrong with me back then.
A few weeks ago, on vacation, I dropped my husband off in front of Fenway Park. I grabbed my phone to take a picture. I saw a cyclist coming towards us, but my husband couldn’t see him. He hugged me, & I couldn’t say anything. I was frozen in shock as the cyclist came towards us. He didn’t slow down until he was right between us. It happened so fast.
Thankfully, we were all okay.
I got into the car thinking, What just happened? Why didn’t I say anything? Scream, move, something?
My nervous system was on overload as I drove to the aquarium. We were only 4 miles away, and it took 45 minutes to get there because I kept going through the wrong tunnels.
I walked around the aquarium for a few hours and used all my senses to help calm down my nervous system. I am older & wiser now, & I don’t freeze often, but it still happens to me.
Imagine what it is like for a child without any idea why it keeps happening. And think about them getting hurt & taken advantage of in the process?
🚩 Always pay attention when someone you love has experienced abuse. They are vulnerable. Learn about their trauma responses & triggers.
⚠️The person you think is “easy” may be dealing with horrific abuse. Be a safe person for them. Please help them.
Predators & Grooming:
Once they gain access and isolate, they build trust and normalize secrets.
Sexual Abuse thrives in the darkness because of secrets and silence. Predators know this and go to great lengths to keep it quiet. Initially, the secrets seem like fun, almost like a game. For example, “You are not allowed to eat sugar? Oh well, that is too bad. Sugar is delicious. I will let you have this candy bar, but you must promise not to tell anyone. This will be our little secret!”
“I am supposed to punish you for saying bad words, but I am okay if you say them. We all say them sometimes. I won’t tell anyone. It will be our little secret.”
“You are beautiful. When you see me tap my wrist like this, it means I think you are pretty. No one else will know what it means but you and me. It will be our secret. You are special to me.”
Eventually, the secrets take a sinister turn.
As the secrets get darker, the shame gets louder.
Shame whispers, “Yes, but you said bad words and ate chocolate too. You are going to be in big trouble if anyone finds out. It is just another secret.”
Secrets. Talk about secrets. Ask about secrets. Talk about the danger of secrets. Be a safe person to hear secrets. Pay attention when secrets are mentioned.
Maybe you have secrets from long ago. There is freedom and healing in getting it out. It is never too late. Let His light shine into the darkness. You do not have to walk alone.
The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it. John 1:5 NIV
Pushing boundaries to introduce and normalize sexual contact is another predator tactic used in grooming.
Here are some examples of what that may look like.
Tickling is one that I repeatedly hear from survivors. It looks innocent, and it can be done in front of others. Some may even call it the tickle game, but it can feel like torture. It pushes the boundaries for the child because it teaches them as they gasp for breath: “I can touch you, and you can cry out for relief or for me to stop, and no one stops me.”
There may be other ways they show the victim that they can touch them even if it hurts or makes them uncomfortable, such as popping their fingers or toes. I’ve heard that before from other survivors, too.
Over time, the boundary lines are blurred. The hands continue to move towards inappropriate touching.
Another way predators push boundaries is with nudity and exposure. They may “accidentally” walk in while the victim is in the shower or using the bathroom, or they may expose themselves or introduce pornography by leaving a magazine open. Again, these efforts attempt to normalize these behaviors and set the stage for abuse.
It is essential to talk about body safety and boundaries with children. Explain that no one is allowed to touch them or do anything that makes them feel uncomfortable. Privates are private. They can lock the door to the bathroom, and they deserve respect and privacy when it comes to their body. Ask questions. Keep an open door for conversation. If you get a sense that someone is making them uncomfortable, ask. Let others know you talk to your kids about body safety and ask questions to keep them safe.
Please don’t make your child give others hugs or kisses, especially when they are uncomfortable or anxious.
Respect their body and their boundaries. Ask questions. Pay attention.
Abusers use power, manipulation, coercion, fear & control to continue the abuse.
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Grooming reminds me of a spiderweb. A spider puts in a lot of effort to spin the web they will use to catch their prey. Sexual predators put a lot of effort into grooming to abuse their victims. By the time the actual abuse starts, the victim is already deeply entangled in a web of manipulation and fear. They feel stuck, helpless, and afraid to say anything to anyone.
Why wouldn’t a victim tell someone? In the example of pornography, the predator may leave out pornography for the child to see and then use it to make the child feel guilty for looking. “Oh, were you looking at that magazine? It’s okay. I won’t tell anyone. It can be our secret.” So now, if the child says anything, they think they will be in trouble.
Blame-shifting and secrets are part of the web to keep the victim quiet.
Blame-shifting is constant. The predator says things that make the victim think they are somehow responsible, at fault, and could get in trouble too.
“Look what you make me do.”
“It seems like you like this.”
“Shhh, be quiet. We don’t want anyone to see what you are doing.”
“We will get in a lot of trouble for this if you tell anyone.”
“No one will ever believe you.”
“If you say anything, I will leave, and you will never see me again.”
“You don’t want them to know what we’ve been doing.”
“No one will ever love you or take care of you the way I do.”
“You will end up alone.”
What does a child have to lose by speaking up? Everything. Because the predator has convinced them they will lose everything.
Predators use pressure, force, guilt, and more pressure behind closed doors to keep the victim quiet about the abuse. Moments later, they are charming again.
Only the victim gets to see that behind-closed-doors side of the predator. That side of the predator is terrifying and silencing. Dark eyes. Evil words.
The intensity of that fear steals their voice.”
Grooming reminds me of a spiderweb. A spider puts in a lot of effort to spin the web they will use to catch their prey. Sexual predators put a lot of effort into grooming to abuse their victims. By the time the actual abuse starts, the victim is already deeply entangled in a web of manipulation and fear. They feel stuck, helpless, and afraid to say anything to anyone.
Why wouldn’t a victim tell someone? In the example of pornography, the predator may leave out pornography for the child to see and then use it to make the child feel guilty for looking. “Oh, were you looking at that magazine? It’s okay. I won’t tell anyone. It can be our secret.” So now, if the child says anything, they think they will be in trouble.
Blame-shifting and secrets are part of the web to keep the victim quiet.
Blame-shifting is constant. The predator says things that make the victim think they are somehow responsible, at fault, and could get in trouble too.
“Look what you make me do.”
“It seems like you like this.”
“Shhh, be quiet. We don’t want anyone to see what you are doing.”
“We will get in a lot of trouble for this if you tell anyone.”
“No one will ever believe you.”
“If you say anything, I will leave, and you will never see me again.”
“You don’t want them to know what we’ve been doing.”
“No one will ever love you or take care of you the way I do.”
“You will end up alone.”
What does a child have to lose by speaking up? Everything. Because the predator has convinced them they will lose everything.
Predators use pressure, force, guilt, and more pressure behind closed doors to keep the victim quiet about the abuse. Moments later, they are charming again.
Only the victim gets to see that behind-closed-doors side of the predator. That side of the predator is terrifying and silencing. Dark eyes. Evil words.
The intensity of that fear steals their voice.
Silence & Sexual Abuse.
The predator has targeted & isolated the victim. The victim is now holding the secrets and the shame from the abuse. The victim loses their voice in the fear, secrets, and shame. The abuser has the power, and the victim feels trapped.
In silence.
If you asked the victim about the abuse, they’d probably be too afraid to tell you.
The victim has learned to lie and deny to live. It’s safer to lie and deny.
The victim may test you to see if they can trust you with something small and still not tell you about the abuse. There’s too much at risk.
If you have doubts and still suspect abuse is happening or has happened, trust your gut. Make it as safe as possible to share. Keep your eyes and ears open. Keep asking.
One day, they may feel safe enough to tell you.
Be the safe and compassionate person that they need to be able to open up.
Believe them.
Tell them it was not their fault.
Tell them it was never their shame.
It’s never too late to heal from the devastation of sexual abuse.
Prevention:
We must talk about sexual abuse to prevent it and to heal from it.
Secrets and silence allow it to thrive in the darkness.
Let’s look at statistics:
According to Darkness to Light:
• 1 in 10 children will be sexually abused before age 18.
• That is one in 7 girls and 1 in 25 boys.
• 20% are abused before they turn eight years old.
• 60% of Child Sexual Abuse victims never tell anyone.
• every 9 minutes, CPS finds evidence for a claim of child sexual abuse.
• Only 7% of the perpetrators are strangers. 34% are family, and 59% are acquaintances. These are people you know and trust with your children. They are family, coaches, teachers, neighbors, and friends.
Sexual Abuse is a big problem, but it is not a popular one.
It is hard to talk about sexual abuse, but God has made it my mission. He has taken away my shame and given me His strength and courage to discuss it.
He has also given me a passion for helping women who have experienced sexual abuse find courage, hope, and freedom in Jesus.
I would love to speak at your church, women’s group or youth group to break the silence, bring awareness, and share the hope of Jesus with those who are hurting from the shame and devastation.
Visit the speaking tab for more information.
Safety and Compassion are key.
Shame and fear keep victims silent.
Trust your gut and pay attention.
Make it safe for kids to share with you.
Make sure your kids have other safe adults they can confide in.
Teach them about boundaries.
Always respect their boundaries.
Empower them to use their voice.
Have conversations about what is inappropriate.
Keep asking questions. Ask again. And again. One day, they may feel safe enough to share.
They may test you with smaller bits of information first to see if they can trust you with the big stuff.
Believe survivors and stand with them.
Learn as much as you can about child sexual abuse.
One of the best resources is hearing from someone who has experienced it. I would love to speak at your church or event and share my story to promote prevention and healing. If you have any questions for me, please reach out.
I believe you, always. 💕
