Body Awareness: The Cost of Being “On”
Have you considered the amount of energy it takes to be “on”?
Body awarenss is key. Let me explain.
I recently went to an eye doctor appointment and went through all the motions. Sit here, puff. Watch the balloon, and focus. Take a picture. Bright light. Now, go to this room and tell me the lowest line you can read. The Doctor will be in shortly.
I waited in the dimly lit room.
The Doctor came in and began her exam. Which is clearer, one or two? She asked me a few questions about my eyes, and then she backed away from me with a serious look on her face.
“Is everything okay with you?”
I looked at her, a little confused, thinking something must be wrong. She asked again, “Are you sure you are okay? You seem much more somber than your usual self.”
My insides twisted, and I immediately felt like I was in trouble. I went to the sink to take my contacts out and mumbled about my youngest starting high school and my daughter graduating soon. Maybe that is why I seem different.
I felt like I had to justify my demeanor because maybe I had done something wrong by letting my guard down.
When I returned to my car and headed home, I tried untwisting my insides. “You didn’t do anything wrong. You are not in trouble. There is nothing wrong with relaxing. Not faking it. Not smiling and being bubbly if you don’t want to. You weren’t rude or disrespectful. You were just being you.”
Who am I?
Trauma taught me to focus on others and what they thought of me. It taught me to work hard to appear okay and not let anyone suspect anything was wrong with me. Constant exhaustion. Always on.
Healing taught me to focus on myself. My body. My thoughts. My breathing. It doesn’t leave much wiggle room to worry about what others are thinking.
The eye doctor kindly checked in with me. I didn’t even realize I was “somber.” Usually, when I am with a doctor or dentist, I am frozen and very much on. I have had many tell me, “You are such a great patient. You hardly flinch.” Ouch. If they only knew.
This is healing. Finding me. Rewiring me.
I could beat myself up about my insides getting twisted when I thought I had let my guard down. I could question whether or not I am healed when things like this throw all of my interior alarms on high alert.
Do the alarms ever go away?
I am not focusing on the struggle. I choose to focus on the growth and stability. I am paying attention to how my body, mind, and thoughts were calm, relaxed, and comfortable in that moment. Enough to even warrant a check-in from a concerned doctor. Progress!
I wasn’t “on” because I no longer have to be. And that is okay. That is healing, indeed.
What about you? Have you considered the cost of being on? Do you even realize you are doing it? Does this even make sense?
Take some of that energy today and focus on yourself. Focus on your breathing and relaxing your body. Be fully present. Cry if you want. Take a walk. Call a friend. Pray. Our bodies were not created to surge with stress constantly.
This is healing. Finding you. Trusting God and not worrying about what others think.
Have you noticed there are times when you are “on?” What are some of the things you do to help your mind and body relax? I’d love to hear your thoughts!
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