I’ve been stuck.
I haven’t posted much this year and I feel like I am so behind. I don’t even know where to start. I haven’t shared much here because I wanted to focus on writing my story.
I came to a defining moment in my story and I struggled to write it.
There were all of these emotions and personalities, and I was trying to write without saying too much. I always feel like I have said too much, as if I’ve already said it all.
But, when I look back at my blog posts I see they are all written in code. If you can relate, “code” language means I haven’t really said much. I say just enough to safely pull back if needed.
I am fluent in the language of code. It was my survival.
When I reached this defining moment in my story, I found myself writing in code again. I was trying to say just enough but not too much.
And, I couldn’t do it.
I closed my laptop on that chapter, and didn’t want to pick it up again. I didn’t pick it up again.
In the stewing, I came to realize that I can’t tell that moment in code. It has to be real, even if it is messy.
I couldn’t understand why I would write so many words, and then suddenly feel this overwhelming burden to be real. Really real.
God, really?
Really.
So, I am writing it with this new perspective and it is challenging.
Writing (or speaking) in code shields my own heart from delving into the emotional sea of betrayal and pain. If I can keep it as flowery as possible, then I can smile as I type as if I am dissociating from the words on the screen.
But, when I deep dive I usually end up in tears and I struggle to pick it up again. Why go there, when you can watch Netflix and eat ice cream?
It’s a vicious cycle.
So today, on my walk I was listening to a sermon and when the verse in Hebrews 12:2 was mentioned, I thought … “Fix my eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of my faith.” Jesus, the author.
Let Him be the author. I want to be in control, but what if I let Him write it and be obedient to what He is asking me to do? God, be my author. Help me to write it. Write through me and help me to keep my eyes fixed on you and not on fretting.
As I snapped some pictures along the way, these images spoke to my heart and my struggle.
I was in bondage. Hidden. Afraid. Tangled in lies, fear, shame, and secrets. It was so dark. Remember what it was like?
I dared to believe that there was hope. I realized I was not alone. There were others like me. I wanted to get to the other side. I wanted to be free.
He rescued me. He brought me out of the darkness and into His light. I Am Loved.
He set me free, and I am clinging to Him. I am no longer hidden, but out in the open air of freedom.
Obedience makes a difference. Am I willing to obey? Imagine the impact of obedience. What does that look like?
The other voice in my head smirked, “Who do you think you are? No one cares and it’s already been said. There’s too much risk. Are you crazy?” It’s loud, but just as I round the corner there’s more beauty.
The harvest is plenty… but the workers are few. Don’t believe the lies. Do the work.
Are you feeling stuck? We all get stuck at times, but we don’t have to stay there. The first thing I tend to do when I am stuck is isolate myself, but that is not helpful at all. What helps me the most is to admit that I am stuck. This last time, I went to small group and it was just the leader and I. She started asking questions that led me to share what I was going through with her. She prayed for me and continues to encourage me. She also continues to check in with me and it has helped me tremendously. We were never meant to run the race alone.
What about you? What helps you to get unstuck?
Prayer: Lord, thank you for delivering me from the pit. You are the author of my story. Help me to keep my eyes fixed on you and to give you my all. My heart is encouraged when I imagine running across the finish line and jumping into your arms. Your love amazes me.
Worship: This song has been my jam, especially the remix. God Only Knows [Timbaland Remix] by for King & Country…
