Washed White As Snow

Though your sins are scarlet , you will make them as white as snow. Isaiah 1:18 NLT

I sat at my desk by the window, and opened my laptop.  Instead of typing anything, I just stared at the blank page and the blanket of snow outside.  The snowflakes were dancing to the song “Like An Avalanche” by Hillsong.  With a single candle burning, I paused in that moment to Thank Him for His grace. I thanked Him for taking my blood red sins and making them white as snow.

I never thought it would be possible.

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Emmanuel – God With Us

Emmanuel - God With Us

The sweet scent of cinnamon and sugar mixed with Christmas music filled the kitchen. I was joyfully singing along to “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” by the window. Just as I was cracking the egg, my voice cracked, and my heart broke as tears spilled into sink.  
 
I stood there peeling egg after egg. Breaking them and pulling back the hard shell.
Remembering.  
 
Sometimes in the midst of such joy and happiness, pain can rush in like a hard punch. 
 
Especially during the holidays, grief and joy mingle and intertwine like the red and white of a candy cane.  
 
A song, a smell, decorations, or a show can send unexpected waves of emotion.
 
Tears spill with questions, old and new. 
 
Why? 
 
What if? 
 
Breathe.  
 
Look around. Smell the candle. See the twinkling lights. Hear the laughter and the music. Move.  
 
In the grounding, the wound that bubbled up and festered out of nowhere simmers down a bit.  
 
The light shines through the tears and brings the moment into focus.  
 
Not alone.  
 
The little girl of inside of me is here amid the festivities. She’s safe. She’s not always festive and bubbly but she’s present. Out in the open. In the light. In the truth.  
 
She enters the fullness of the celebration mended… and broken.
 
And here… 
 
She’s welcome. She doesn’t have to hide anymore. She’s no longer numb. No longer frozen. No more fake smiles and empty eyes. 
 
She’s standing holding broken eggs, teary eyed and gazing beyond the kitchen window.  
 
And she’s going to be okay.  She’s breathing in new seasons with fresh eyes. Making new memories and even remembering the good. 
She is loved. 
Emmanuel - God With Us
She’s with me.  
He’s with me. 
Emmanuel – God with us.  

 I will escort the blind down roads they do not know,
        guide them down paths they’ve never seen.
    I will smooth their passage and light their way.
        I will indeed do it—they are abandoned no more.

It is well

My soul is weary with sorrow

What do you do when you are laid low in the dust and your soul is weary with sorrow?  

I have been struggling.

It’s been hard to write. It has been hard to pray. I have not wanted to engage or connect with others. Old fears, lack of trust, and questions have returned and plagued my mind and sleep.

The mended places in my heart have been ripping open, and it is painful. I have been knocked flat, thrown off track, and it is all beyond my control.

Surrender doesn’t always come easy.

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Broken, as is.

This post is part of the  “Finding Spiritual Whitespace Blog Tour” which I am a part of, along with a group of soulful, journeying kindreds. To learn more and join us, CLICK HERE!  The writing prompt today is: to share a special Bible verse currently touching your heart with rest and comfort?

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Psalm 145:18 The Lord is near to all who call on Him, who call on Him in truth.

“As is.”  Two of my favorite words in the book “Finding Spiritual Whitespace”, and every time I read it I feel like I am taking a deep breath of fresh air in a smoky room, especially on page 70:

There is a place here and now that Jesus has been preparing for the little girl in me.  That place is my heart, where Jesus has been doing deep, healing work – to accept her as she is.  To let her know there is a place in this world for her.

Because Jesus understands her.

Because Jesus loves her.  As is.

As is….

yes, but what about______?

As is….

Page 145:  Jesus is the companion with the courage to walk with us in the quiet…  He will meet you in a way that lets you know He is near you.  He will take your hand in His.

Sometimes, this quiet can be a lonely place.  It can be a place where isolation and desperation wait in the shadows.  The walls are dark.  The door is boarded up without a door knob.  Not many will enter.

This quiet is like a dark tunnel of memories that will lead to the hopeful bright light and plush beauty.

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With each step into the dark tunnel,  I stop..  I hesitate.

My shoulders cringe forward, and I sink.  My breathing slows and my heart literally pounds in my chest.  I step again.  My eyes are closed.  Jesus is with me.  He has my hand and he leans in to remind me he is near.  My rigid stance softens as He whispers “truth”.

Truth, as is, with pain.

Truth, as is, with fear.

Truth, as is, with shame.

Locking up this part of me separates Jesus from the part of me that needs Him most.

The broken me, as is.

Psalm 145:18 The Lord is near to all who call on Him, who call on Him in truth.

21 Days of Rest: Finding Spiritual Whitespace