Child Sexual Abuse

Baby Steps: He will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten.

~ Michelle Viscuse ~ 9 Comments

IMG_7597

It’s fitting that I would write the final post in this Baby Steps series on Thanksgiving Day.  I had originally planned to write about the Names of God for 31 days, and I had it all planned out. But, at the last-minute I kept hearing Baby Steps. Baby Steps? Really? Even though I truly did not understand, I reluctantly pressed publish on that first post. I never realized where those 31 posts would take me.  

My type A, slightly OCD self wanted to complete the series in 31 days, but about halfway through I realized it wasn’t even about the 31 days. It was about obedience, and He simply wanted me to focus and pay attention to all He has done in my life and mostly in my heart.

HE ROCKED MY WORLD!  (Literally, at a concert.) 

I saw online that Matthew West and Jeremy Camp were in concert together here in town, and I kept seeing the ad pop up. I felt like I was supposed to go, so on the night before the concert I looked at buying tickets. My kids did not want to go, so I clicked on the option for 1 ticket. There was only one ticket available on the lower level.  It was on the third row, front, and center and it was the same price as the tickets in the upper level.  My youngest said, “Mom you have to go and sit there!”

So I bought the ticket and I went by myself. 

As I sat there waiting for them to come out, it hit me.  One weekend back in 2014, I went away to the mountains by myself for a retreat. On the way there I sang, Broken Girl by Matthew West over and over. I wrote in my journal – God, do you hear me?  

I wondered if he would sing Broken Girl tonight?

Then, I remembered that same weekend in the mountains, I got up on Sunday morning and visited a church. I wrote down the lyrics to their worship songs and promptly purchased them and played them on repeat over and over. The songs were Empty Me and My Desire by Jeremy Camp.

The music loudly boomed in my chest and I sat there and cried and cried throughout that concert thinking of all God has done for me. I’m sure the people beside me thought I needed Jesus, but He was right there! His presence was so real, and I knew I was truly loved.

 Matthew West didn’t sing Broken Girl that night – He sang songs like “when you see wounded I see Mended!” and “but if it’s true You use Broken Things then here I am Lord, I am all Yours.” Jeremy Camp shared his story and he sang songs like, “You’re my defender, You fight for me, I will remember. You’re all I need, You are my healer, My remedy.”

New songs, new season.  So very thankful. 

In the elevator on the way back to my car, a lady said it was an awesome concert and she really enjoyed it.  I said, “Me too!  I just bought my ticket online last night and I was on the third row front and center.”  

She smiled and said, “God saved that seat for you.” 

That is just one way He revealed His love to me while writing this series. In looking back with fresh eyes and a new heart, I saw how He redeemed the worst of my memories. He gave me beauty for the ashes. 

He restores it all, miracle after miracle.

I remember the first time I heard the verse, “I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten.”

I thought, “Hogwash. Not these locusts. You don’t know my locusts! You don’t know the years, NOTHING can repay that. NOTHING can restore that.”

I was wrong.    

But, I wasn’t convinced overnight. It took time, and it took many baby steps. With each step, my bitterness, unforgiveness, and rage oozed out, as He took me in His arms and filled me with His love, grace and peace. 

No, it’s not overnight, but it is possible.  
He truly restores, redeems and repays. 

And, He’s not finished. He continues to probe deeper in my heart. He continues to reveal all of the ways He brings wholeness, restoration, and redemption.

Baby steps… it’s like when my children were learning how to walk. I didn’t stand them up and expect them to sprint.  I got down on my knees in front of them, and I caught them in my arms. They knew they could step towards me because I was not going to let them fall. They trusted me. Eventually, I would back up even more knowing they could make longer strides. I cheered for them. 

That is a beautiful picture of the healing God has done in my life, one step at a time.  I stood there before him carrying the most broken, hidden and painful pieces of my life. He came down low, looked me in the eyes, opened His arms wide and asked me to take a baby step towards His light and His truth. With each and every step, I discovered more of His love and His peace.  He brought comfort to the wreckage and He has truly restored all that was taken.  

He has repaid me for the years the locusts have eaten, and He has filled me with joy.  He continues to heal and restore. 

And me? I will continue to write my story. I will give Him thanks and praise His name because he has worked wonders for me, indeed.  He has taken away my shame and He has given me courage, hope and freedom.    

And you? Imagine Him standing in front of you with His arms open wide. Will you take a baby step towards His light and His truth to discover His love for you personally?  

Will you trust Him? You can do it!  

Take a deep breath and a baby step.  

He is faithful.  

I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten—
the great locust and the young locust,
the other locusts and the locust swarm—
my great army that I sent among you.
You will have plenty to eat, until you are full,
and you will praise the name of the Lord your God,
who has worked wonders for you;
never again will my people be shamed. Joel 2:25-26 NIV

This is post #31 in the Baby Steps series.  To start at the beginning, click here.

Baby Steps: God has set me free.

~ Michelle Viscuse ~ Leave a comment

IMG_7490

May 9, 2013 

It was the day before my 40th birthday.  I woke up at 4am and started to frantically type on my phone what I would say to my abuser if given the chance.  It was 291 words and it started with, “You sexually abused me and I am not keeping the secret anymore.”  

I went to my counseling session and read it to her. I told her he had been reaching out to me and I was ignoring him. I felt like “Free at 40” was going to happen. She liked that I had it written out on my phone, and told me if I need to read it word for word then that would work too. I promised to keep her posted.  

I was filled with terror and anticipation as I left, and on my way home from therapy my husband texted me a picture of my kids and a rainbow.  It was a beautiful reminder to me that God keeps His promises. He was going to set me free. 

IMG_0134

May 10, 2013

Happy Birthday! I was 40 now and still avoiding him. I went with a friend to do Zumba with students at a local middle school.  In one of the moves, I turned around and imagined several of the young girls with tape over their mouths and it made me tear up. I knew in a room of that many girls, some of them would share my story. They smiled behind their horror just like I did. It angered me and filled me with passion at the same time. 

We went out for dinner afterwards and I was surprised with several friends, balloons and fun. I was 40 when I fell asleep that night, but I still wasn’t free. 

May 11, 2013

I was singing Shackles by Mary Mary on my way to Zumba when I saw my friend at the stoplight.  She had posted earlier on Facebook that her husband was taking her kids so she could have the day to herself for Mother’s Day.  She texted me at the light and told me she was available if I needed help with the kids this weekend. I texted her back to enjoy her time alone!

After Zumba, I stopped by the grocery store and there was another sweet reminder that He was with me: a bird on a fire hydrant.  It was a busy day and I did not eat. 

IMG_1517

My oldest child was dropped off at the house and he came in with a gift for me. It was a purple flower that said “Special day.”  I asked him how he got the present for me, and he said he asked his friend’s mom to stop at Hallmark and he also asked her to pay for it.  It was so thoughtful and sweet.

We came home from the soccer games, and I waited with much anticipation.  

It happened.  

He texted he was on his way over.

I had less than an hour to get ready.  

My kids! I didn’t want them to be here. I called my friend from the stoplight and asked her if we could please quickly drop them off at her house, and she said sure.  

We dropped them off and I walked back into the house and started pacing the floor.  

I listened to Keep Me by Patrick Dopson, and I sang it loud, especially this part:

“You will finish what you started
Complete what you’ve begun
Though the enemy has lied and said I’m done
But I know you better than that!
You’ve kept me safe this far.
It’s time for you to show
just who you are!
Cause you are Jesus!”

I lifted both hands high. 

I dropped to my knees and I prayed out loud to Jesus. 

I clapped my hands. 

I had enormous peace.  

He led me to trust Him. 

He delivered.  

I looked in the mirror as I heard him pull into the driveway. 

Free at 40 was about to happen.  

A new song for a new day rises up in me every time I think about how he breaks through for me! Ecstatic praise pours out of my mouth until everyone hears how God has set me free. Many will see his miracles; they’ll stand in awe of God and fall in love with him! Psalm 40:3 TPT 

This is post #30 in the Baby Steps series.  To start at the beginning, click here.

Baby Steps:  Jesus said, “Little Girl, Get Up.” 

~ Michelle Viscuse ~ 2 Comments

IMG_7300

I was connecting with the little girl (LG) inside of me. I would draw and write with colored pencils. I bought coloring books with scripture and would focus on the words and staying in the lines with bright markers.  Dancing at Zumba reminded me of her and all of the years of dance.  Music would always take me back, but it really depended on the song.  Some made me smile, and others I promptly turned off.

I looked through old pictures of me, and this was the one that caught my eye.  Maybe it was the white dress or the cute hair bows. Or, perhaps it was because I had cut my bangs. Mostly it was because that little spark was still in my eyes.  You couldn’t really see it in the other pictures. 

I put her picture on my desktop at work, on my phone and on my laptop. On days when I felt like giving up, I’d look at this picture and remember that I was fighting for her. At this point, it felt like she was almost out of that dark and scary closet filled secrets and shame.

I loved her, and we were connecting.

My weekend was filled with secrets.  I made a box of secrets, and I heard the word “secrets” several times.

I went to a Beth Moore conference and the topic was Sacred Secrets.  Then on Sunday, my pastor preached a sermon on the secret healings of Jesus and how some healings were private and others were public. He started with the story of the woman with the bleeding issue, and then he moved on to little girl in Mark 5:

They said she was dead. But Jesus showed up and took her by the hand and said two words “Talitha Koum!” (which means “Little girl, I say to you, get up!”) 

Those words were illuminated on the page of my Bible and my heart started racing.  He continued reading as I followed along, “Immediately the girl stood up and began to walk around (she was twelve years old).”

It was as if Jesus had whispered directly to the heart of the little girl inside of me, “Talitha Koum! Little girl, I say to you, get up!” It was time.

There would be no more hiding or cowering.

LG was finally out of that dark closet and she was by my side holding my hand.

After church, my daughter and I made this picture of Talitha Koum using the confetti from the Beth Moore conference. In the future, I planned to share with her what it meant to me and explain that those two words convinced me that Jesus heals little girls, including LG.

talitha koum

Now it felt like we were one and together we were fierce.  

 He took her by the hand and said to her, “Talitha koum!” (which means “Little girl, I say to you, get up!”)  Mark 5:41 NIV 

This is post #28 in the Baby Steps series.  To start at the beginning, click here.

Baby Steps: He has set us free.

~ Michelle Viscuse ~ 4 Comments

IMG_7277

I walked into the room holding my box, and I could not wait for her to see it. I opened it up and my counselor looked inside.  I felt like she could see every word and know the story behind it, but she asked me to pick a few and talk about it.  The session went really well, and I was proud of myself for making the box and sharing it with her.  

The box was powerful because it housed all of my secrets. While I felt strong sharing them with her, by the time I got into my car, I was struggling… again.  

My pounding heart ached while anxiety and panic permeated my entire being. The voices in my head were loudly arguing over how I was going to ruin everything by spilling these secrets.  

I turned up the radio and they were introducing a song from the movie Sister Act 2. It was called His Eye is on The Sparrow by Lauren Hill & Tanya Blount. I had heard the song before. 

But not like this.  

I turned it up even louder.  I hummed along at first, and mumbled a few words. 

As I continued down the interstate in direct sunlight, I sang along at the top of my lungs:  “I sing because I’m happy, I sing because I’m free.  His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me….”

It was worship, and it was deep. 

I heard the gentle whisper, “free at 40.” 

My birthday was coming up, but free at 40? I had no idea what that meant, and since we were only days away that seemed impossible.   

Then I heard it again, “free at 40.” 

What would that even look like? How could I possibly be free at 40? 

Free at 40.  It didn’t seem possible, but I sure liked the sound of it.  

Let me be clear, the Anointed One has set us free—not partially, but completely and wonderfully free! We must always cherish this truth and stubbornly refuse to go back into the bondage of our past. Galatians 5:1 (TPT) 

This is post #27 in the Baby Steps series.  To start at the beginning, click here.