Baby Steps:  Jesus said, “Little Girl, Get Up.” 

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I was connecting with the little girl (LG) inside of me. I would draw and write with colored pencils. I bought coloring books with scripture and would focus on the words and staying in the lines with bright markers.  Dancing at Zumba reminded me of her and all of the years of dance.  Music would always take me back, but it really depended on the song.  Some made me smile, and others I promptly turned off.

I looked through old pictures of me, and this was the one that caught my eye.  Maybe it was the white dress or the cute hair bows. Or, perhaps it was because I had cut my bangs. Mostly it was because that little spark was still in my eyes.  You couldn’t really see it in the other pictures. 

I put her picture on my desktop at work, on my phone and on my laptop. On days when I felt like giving up, I’d look at this picture and remember that I was fighting for her. At this point, it felt like she was almost out of that dark and scary closet filled secrets and shame.

I loved her, and we were connecting.

My weekend was filled with secrets.  I made a box of secrets, and I heard the word “secrets” several times.

I went to a Beth Moore conference and the topic was Sacred Secrets.  Then on Sunday, my pastor preached a sermon on the secret healings of Jesus and how some healings were private and others were public. He started with the story of the woman with the bleeding issue, and then he moved on to little girl in Mark 5:

They said she was dead. But Jesus showed up and took her by the hand and said two words “Talitha Koum!” (which means “Little girl, I say to you, get up!”) 

Those words were illuminated on the page of my Bible and my heart started racing.  He continued reading as I followed along, “Immediately the girl stood up and began to walk around (she was twelve years old).”

It was as if Jesus had whispered directly to the heart of the little girl inside of me, “Talitha Koum! Little girl, I say to you, get up!” It was time.

There would be no more hiding or cowering.

LG was finally out of that dark closet and she was by my side holding my hand.

After church, my daughter and I made this picture of Talitha Koum using the confetti from the Beth Moore conference. In the future, I planned to share with her what it meant to me and explain that those two words convinced me that Jesus heals little girls, including LG.

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Now it felt like we were one and together we were fierce.  

 He took her by the hand and said to her, “Talitha koum!” (which means “Little girl, I say to you, get up!”)  Mark 5:41 NIV 

Baby Steps: He has set us free.

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I walked into the room holding my box, and I could not wait for her to see it. I opened it up and my counselor looked inside.  I felt like she could see every word and know the story behind it, but she asked me to pick a few and talk about it.  The session went really well, and I was proud of myself for making the box and sharing it with her.  

The box was powerful because it housed all of my secrets. While I felt strong sharing them with her, by the time I got into my car, I was struggling… again.  

My pounding heart ached while anxiety and panic permeated my entire being. The voices in my head were loudly arguing over how I was going to ruin everything by spilling these secrets.  

I turned up the radio and they were introducing a song from the movie Sister Act 2. It was called His Eye is on The Sparrow by Lauren Hill & Tanya Blount. I had heard the song before. 

But not like this.  

I turned it up even louder.  I hummed along at first, and mumbled a few words. 

As I continued down the interstate in direct sunlight, I sang along at the top of my lungs:  “I sing because I’m happy, I sing because I’m free.  His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me….”

It was worship, and it was deep. 

I heard the gentle whisper, “free at 40.” 

My birthday was coming up, but free at 40? I had no idea what that meant, and since we were only days away that seemed impossible.   

Then I heard it again, “free at 40.” 

What would that even look like? How could I possibly be free at 40? 

Free at 40.  It didn’t seem possible, but I sure liked the sound of it.  

Let me be clear, the Anointed One has set us free—not partially, but completely and wonderfully free! We must always cherish this truth and stubbornly refuse to go back into the bondage of our past. Galatians 5:1 (TPT) 

Baby Steps: He Gives Me Rest

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Everything around me feels unsteady and raw.

Lately, I have experienced quite a few disappointments. I am not sure if I am noticing them more, or simply feeling the hurt more but I am completely aware of being let down. In all of the disappointments – He has shown me HIS FAITHFULNESS. People will disappoint, life will disappoint, but He is faithful.  

He remains when all else fails.  

The place I went to yesterday in my counseling session was filled with despair, and yet He was my ROCK and I held on for dear life.  It was as if He said to me, “These things that you think are important to you and big to you – keep them in perspective.  They can’t give you what I am able to give you…I am the only gas that will fill your tank.”

So I pulled into His station, and I was filled:     Psalm 119:33-40

Teach me, Lord, the way of your decrees,
that I may follow it to the end.
Give me understanding, so that I may keep your law
and obey it with all my heart.
Direct me in the path of your commands,
for there I find delight.
Turn my heart toward your statutes
and not toward selfish gain.
Turn my eyes away from worthless things;
preserve my life according to your word.
Fulfill your promise to your servant,
so that you may be feared.
Take away the disgrace I dread,
for your laws are good.
How I long for your precepts!
In your righteousness preserve my life. 

And today when I slowed down to fill up, I heard, “Rest in Me. Balance. I will tell you where to go and when to step. You are so bent on old patterns it may be hard to even see at first. Be aware of it and look for it. Before you take one step, pause… is it me taking you there or are you ahead of me?  You have given it all to me now.  All of it.  You are infused with my light. Walk to my beat. Slow down and walk in step with me.”

One step at a time.  

“Come to me, all you who are tired and are carrying heavy loads. I will give you rest.  Become my servants and learn from me. I am gentle and free of pride. You will find rest for your souls. Serving me is easy, and my load is light.” Matthew 11:28-30 NIVR

Baby Steps: He is with me.

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I have always struggled with fear and what if’s. 

I worried about my kids and wanted to keep them safe. I rarely used a babysitter. I preferred to just bring them with us on a date rather than worry the entire time.  

Fear always rattled my cage but no one knew because I wore the “I’m okay, it’s okay, let’s laugh and have fun because life is good” mask.  Somehow, as long as I was dancing that dance, it made it almost felt true.

Still, the fear roared behind the smile. 

Just the thought of disclosing the abuse made me freeze with fear as I imagined all the domino effects.  I felt like I was completely and absolutely responsible over where, when and how each domino would fall.  After several fatal scenarios played out in my mind, I wanted to give up.

It consumed me to think about everything that could go wrong. Those life long fears surfaced and the loud voices in my head pleaded with me to just quit because there was too much risk.  

When I shared this with my counselor, she gently brought to my attention that God was big enough to handle all of the dominos.  He was big enough to work it out in those individuals and their hearts.  

I knew I was not capable of working any of it out, but I also realized that I was afraid to let Him or believe that He could.  

In the middle of sweaty exercise, it hit me.  All of these things that I do to protect myself and to protect my world leaves very little room for God to do His thing.  

Did I really believe that He worked all things together for good? 

I knew that my head trusted Him, but my heart was learning how to trust.  My head knew about His unfailing love but my heart was just starting to open up to His love. I wanted to let go of the fear and trust Him with everything, big and small. 

Often, I would remind myself and even say out loud, “He’s with me. He will protect me. He is in charge.” 

When I am tapped into His strength and follow Him, I don’t have to juggle and manage so much.    

I was used to holding on tightly and He was teaching me to let go.   

Let the Domino’s fall where they may. He is a big God.  I am His beloved daughter and I am simply called to trust Him and take the next step.    

It was time to let Him into the driver’s seat.  

So do not be afraid. I am with you.
    Do not be terrified. I am your God.
I will make you strong and help you.
    I will hold you safe in my hands.
    I always do what is right. Isaiah 41:10 NIVR