I was a hot mess in church today.
It’s been a while. It used to happen almost every Sunday. I would stand there during worship and just move my lips to the words and sob. I was hardly able to utter a sound because my heart was fragile.
It didn’t take much to send me over the edge: songs, verses, flashbacks, memories. One minute I would be fine and the next minute not at all. Sometimes the tears stopped as quickly as they started. Other times, they poured and poured.
It mostly happened on the second pew in church on Sunday’s and on Thursday’s on the couch in my counselor’s office. Both eventually became the safe places where I was able to get in touch with those tender places with Jesus and receive healing.
What if what you said you’d never do ended up opening the doors to healing, light, truth, and freedom?
I was headed to my very first counseling session in an absolute panic because I didn’t even want to answer the pre-counseling questions to explain why I was seeking counseling in the first place. I did not want to talk. I walked into her room and sat at the far end of the couch, with my hands fidgeting in my lap and my head down. I was so afraid, I was numb. I am not sure if I was visibly shaking, but I was shaking all over inside.
I told her I needed to be sure it was safe and that everything would be kept confidential. I let her know that I needed to heal as quickly as possible, and I would never want anyone else to know. I never planned to tell my husband or anyone else for that matter that I had been sexually abused as a child.
Last week on my birthday, I shared my story of healing from childhood sexual abuse on Christian Devotions Speak UP radio.
Click here to listen:: Speak UP Interview
It was the night before the massage, and I was hoping to relax. The room had a jacuzzi tub in it but I could not figure out how to turn it on. When I called the front desk to ask, they suggested I move the towel draped over the side of the tub and just push the button.
Thank you very much, why yes, there it is!
While I was waiting for the tub to fill, I put on the soft comfy robe that was hanging on a hook in the bathroom. When the tub was half-filled I decided to push the button to see if it worked.
Somehow, I missed seeing that all of the jets were pointing up. Continue reading