ENCOUNTERING GOD BY NAME: MY PROVIDER

I remember bringing her home from the hospital and holding her in my arms crying. As I sat on my bed nursing her, the very real dangers she would face as a little girl hit me like a ton of bricks. I had to keep her safe. I had to do everything in my power to protect her. I didn’t want anyone to hurt her. I knew how scary it was to be a little girl.

As I sat there gazing at her beauty and innocence, a fierceness rose up in me and I vowed to keep her safe. I had to keep her close. I did not trust anyone.  

As she grew, the memories from my own childhood would suddenly pop up and overwhelm me. I went to counseling to begin healing from the devastation of the sexual abuse and trauma I experienced as a child.  

I had not shared these secrets with anyone. I didn’t want to ever talk about them, but memory after memory continued to roll in like waves on the shore. I was at the end of my rope and all I could do was trust Him. It took everything in me to place this sealed away part of me in God’s hands…

Click below to continue reading:

Join me over at Hidden Treasures and Riches for my dear friend Tope’s series: Encountering God by Name.  She asked me to share my story of how I have experienced God as “Jehovah Jireh, My Provider”.  Click here to read the rest of “ENCOUNTERING GOD BY NAME: MY PROVIDER.” 

“Lucky” and Blessed

img_9253
“Lucky” and Blessed

A playground filled
with cheer
and fear

Dance lessons
teach grace
And body awareness

Piano practice
An escape in the notes
So hard to focus

Sports trophies
Adrenaline and energy
Mixed with doubt and frustration

Homework and tests
Never let them see you struggle
Always make the A

Prom sparkle and nails
A brief getaway
A never-ending ache

Sleepy, so very tired
Bad dreams, being chased
Exhausted… in darkness.

I am his.

Leaving the back row pew
A friendly smile
Pursues me

A warm meal
And Bible Study
Invited

A white dress
With a stained heart
Push it down forever

Baby’s first cry
Awakens hope
And fierce love

Three babies
Tired mama
The dreams are back

A counselor
A couch
A voice with a story.

Messy
And hard
Yet wonderful.

Safe
No shame.
Loved.

Rest.
Be still,
& know…

I am His.  

Remember His Words

IMG_8079

Then they remembered his words.  Luke 24:8

When I finished the last post for Baby Steps, my plan was to continue writing my story.  Instead, I took a break and I have barely opened my laptop.

Sometimes, when I put it down it is hard to pick it back up. 

Truth be told, there are times when I would prefer to just live in the “now” and never look back.  

But God.

When I was writing the Baby Steps series, I saw His faithfulness intertwined with my tears. Yes, I would remember the pain. But, I would also remember the promises He brought to fruition.  

You see, looking back helped me to remember His words. 

In Luke 24, when the women went to the tomb they found it empty.  It wasn’t what they expected and at first they were shocked and confused. The angels appeared to them and said, “Why do you look for the living among the dead? He is not here; he has risen! Remember how he told you, while he was still with you in Galilee:  ‘The Son of Man must be delivered over to the hands of sinners, be crucified and on the third day be raised again.’ ”
Then they remembered His words.  
They went back to the share it with the disciples, but they were not believed.  Their words seemed like nonsense to the disciples.  

Jesus is always speaking.  

His still small voice causes my heart to burn inside of me. 

Am I listening?  

Life is loud, and the noise can drown out His voice. My best time to listen is in the morning under the safe hum of the shower and hairdryer. My eyes are closed and my mind is quiet enough to hear. Speak Lord, your servant is listening.  

Then in the noise of life, the lies grow louder and take me under.  Suddenly, I feel sad. Defeated. Discouraged. Hopeless.

It will never happen for you. 
It is impossible.
Did God really say?
Who do you think you are? 
You are crazy.
You are worthless. 

It is an old mean voice that spouts the same lies that have taunted me for years behind my smile. Instead of delighting in the hum of the shower, I am now drowning in the pit of despair.  

The Word is Alive.  

As I was reading in Luke, I came across those five words: Then they remembered His words.  

It was as if that sentence was a neon sign on that page and suddenly His truth overpowered every single lie, one by one.    

Do you remember my Words? 

It’s going to happen.
I really said it. 
You are my child. 
You have a sound mind.
You are worth more than many sparrows. 

His truth ushers in hope.  

Do you remember His Words? 

What has He whispered to your heart? 

Was it about healing? Your marriage? Your child? Your job? Your calling?

Maybe right now the circumstances look bleak. In the weariness, the lies begin to fill your tank with doubt.  The old mean voices start to pound in your head. 

What did He say?  What does His Word say? 

Write out that truth. 
Say it out loud. 
Write it on a notecard and carry it with you.
Sing it.  

Look back and remember His words. 

Believe.

Baby Steps: He will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten.

IMG_7597

It’s fitting that I would write the final post in this Baby Steps series on Thanksgiving Day.  I had originally planned to write about the Names of God for 31 days, and I had it all planned out. But, at the last-minute I kept hearing Baby Steps. Baby Steps? Really? Even though I truly did not understand, I reluctantly pressed publish on that first post. I never realized where those 31 posts would take me.  

My type A, slightly OCD self wanted to complete the series in 31 days, but about halfway through I realized it wasn’t even about the 31 days. It was about obedience, and He simply wanted me to focus and pay attention to all He has done in my life and mostly in my heart.

HE ROCKED MY WORLD!  (Literally, at a concert.) 

I saw online that Matthew West and Jeremy Camp were in concert together here in town, and I kept seeing the ad pop up. I felt like I was supposed to go, so on the night before the concert I looked at buying tickets. My kids did not want to go, so I clicked on the option for 1 ticket. There was only one ticket available on the lower level.  It was on the third row, front, and center and it was the same price as the tickets in the upper level.  My youngest said, “Mom you have to go and sit there!”

So I bought the ticket and I went by myself. 

As I sat there waiting for them to come out, it hit me.  One weekend back in 2014, I went away to the mountains by myself for a retreat. On the way there I sang, Broken Girl by Matthew West over and over. I wrote in my journal – God, do you hear me?  

I wondered if he would sing Broken Girl tonight?

Then, I remembered that same weekend in the mountains, I got up on Sunday morning and visited a church. I wrote down the lyrics to their worship songs and promptly purchased them and played them on repeat over and over. The songs were Empty Me and My Desire by Jeremy Camp.

The music loudly boomed in my chest and I sat there and cried and cried throughout that concert thinking of all God has done for me. I’m sure the people beside me thought I needed Jesus, but He was right there! His presence was so real, and I knew I was truly loved.

 Matthew West didn’t sing Broken Girl that night – He sang songs like “when you see wounded I see Mended!” and “but if it’s true You use Broken Things then here I am Lord, I am all Yours.” Jeremy Camp shared his story and he sang songs like, “You’re my defender, You fight for me, I will remember. You’re all I need, You are my healer, My remedy.”

New songs, new season.  So very thankful. 

In the elevator on the way back to my car, a lady said it was an awesome concert and she really enjoyed it.  I said, “Me too!  I just bought my ticket online last night and I was on the third row front and center.”  

She smiled and said, “God saved that seat for you.” 

That is just one way He revealed His love to me while writing this series. In looking back with fresh eyes and a new heart, I saw how He redeemed the worst of my memories. He gave me beauty for the ashes. 

He restores it all, miracle after miracle.

I remember the first time I heard the verse, “I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten.

I thought, “Hogwash. Not these locusts. You don’t know my locusts! You don’t know the years, NOTHING can repay that. NOTHING can restore that.”

I was wrong.    

But, I wasn’t convinced overnight. It took time, and it took many baby steps. With each step, my bitterness, unforgiveness, and rage oozed out, as He took me in His arms and filled me with His love, grace and peace. 

No, it’s not overnight, but it is possible.  
He truly restores, redeems and repays. 

And, He’s not finished. He continues to probe deeper in my heart. He continues to reveal all of the ways He brings wholeness, restoration, and redemption.

Baby steps… it’s like when my children were learning how to walk. I didn’t stand them up and expect them to sprint.  I got down on my knees in front of them, and I caught them in my arms. They knew they could step towards me because I was not going to let them fall. They trusted me. Eventually, I would back up even more knowing they could make longer strides. I cheered for them. 

That is a beautiful picture of the healing God has done in my life, one step at a time.  I stood there before him carrying the most broken, hidden and painful pieces of my life. He came down low, looked me in the eyes, opened His arms wide and asked me to take a baby step towards His light and His truth. With each and every step, I discovered more of His love and His peace.  He brought comfort to the wreckage and He has truly restored all that was taken.  

He has repaid me for the years the locusts have eaten, and He has filled me with joy.  He continues to heal and restore. 

And me? I will continue to write my story. I will give Him thanks and praise His name because he has worked wonders for me, indeed.  He has taken away my shame and He has given me courage, hope and freedom.    

And you? Imagine Him standing in front of you with His arms open wide. Will you take a baby step towards His light and His truth to discover His love for you personally?  

Will you trust Him? You can do it!  

Take a deep breath and a baby step.  

He is faithful.  

I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten—
the great locust and the young locust,
the other locusts and the locust swarm—
my great army that I sent among you.
You will have plenty to eat, until you are full,
and you will praise the name of the Lord your God,
who has worked wonders for you;
never again will my people be shamed. Joel 2:25-26 NIV

This is post #31 in the Baby Steps series.  To start at the beginning, click here.