May 9, 2013
It was the day before my 40th birthday. I woke up at 4am and started to frantically type on my phone what I would say to my abuser if given the chance. It was 291 words and it started with, “You sexually abused me and I am not keeping the secret anymore.”
I went to my counseling session and read it to her. I told her he had been reaching out to me and I was ignoring him. I felt like “Free at 40” was going to happen. She liked that I had it written out on my phone, and told me if I need to read it word for word then that would work too. I promised to keep her posted.
I was filled with terror and anticipation as I left, and on my way home from therapy my husband texted me a picture of my kids and a rainbow. It was a beautiful reminder to me that God keeps His promises. He was going to set me free.
May 10, 2013
Happy Birthday! I was 40 now and still avoiding him. I went with a friend to do Zumba with students at a local middle school. In one of the moves, I turned around and imagined several of the young girls with tape over their mouths and it made me tear up. I knew in a room of that many girls, some of them would share my story. They smiled behind their horror just like I did. It angered me and filled me with passion at the same time.
We went out for dinner afterwards and I was surprised with several friends, balloons and fun. I was 40 when I fell asleep that night, but I still wasn’t free.
May 11, 2013
I was singing Shackles by Mary Mary on my way to Zumba when I saw my friend at the stoplight. She had posted earlier on Facebook that her husband was taking her kids so she could have the day to herself for Mother’s Day. She texted me at the light and told me she was available if I needed help with the kids this weekend. I texted her back to enjoy her time alone!
After Zumba, I stopped by the grocery store and there was another sweet reminder that He was with me: a bird on a fire hydrant. It was a busy day and I did not eat.
My oldest child was dropped off at the house and he came in with a gift for me. It was a purple flower that said “Special day.” I asked him how he got the present for me, and he said he asked his friend’s mom to stop at Hallmark and he also asked her to pay for it. It was so thoughtful and sweet.
We came home from the soccer games, and I waited with much anticipation.
He texted he was on his way over.
I had less than an hour to get ready.
My kids! I didn’t want them to be here. I called my friend from the stoplight and asked her if we could please quickly drop them off at her house, and she said sure.
We dropped them off and I walked back into the house and started pacing the floor.
I listened to Keep Me by Patrick Dopson, and I sang it loud, especially this part:
“You will finish what you started
Complete what you’ve begun
Though the enemy has lied and said I’m done
But I know you better than that!
You’ve kept me safe this far.
It’s time for you to show
just who you are!
Cause you are Jesus!”
I lifted both hands high.
I dropped to my knees and I prayed out loud to Jesus.
I clapped my hands.
I had enormous peace.
He led me to trust Him.
I looked in the mirror as I heard him pull into the driveway.
Free at 40 was about to happen.
A new song for a new day rises up in me every time I think about how he breaks through for me! Ecstatic praise pours out of my mouth until everyone hears how God has set me free. Many will see his miracles; they’ll stand in awe of God and fall in love with him! Psalm 40:3 TPT
This is post #30 in the Baby Steps series. To start at the beginning, click here.