You are chosen.

When I met my counselor for the first time, I told her I had a problem that I needed to fix as soon as possible. I also said I never wanted anyone to know and she assured me everything I shared with her was confidential.  In that first session, I never told her my problem. I only told her about my symptoms.  She knew I was falling apart, but I couldn’t bring myself to tell her why. 

It took another session or two to find the courage to whisper the words, “I was sexually abused.”  

If she had looked at me then and said, “Michelle, you are going to share your story with others, and talk about it and write about it,” I would have taken out my checkbook, paid her and left to never return.  I had no idea then that it would be something I’d long to talk about and share in the future.  I didn’t realize at that time what made my heart pound and filled my eyes with tears would become my passion.  

I remember the first time I thought, maybe, just maybe I could help someone else. I had no idea what it would look like and some days it feels like I am still figuring it all out, but I know it’s my passion. It is not easy and I still struggle, but I know He is with me. Back when I drew this picture, it was hard for me to believe it.

You are chosen.

I was trying to understand it all, and sometimes the mean voice in my head would whisper, “You were chosen to be harmed.” It took a while for me to realize that was a LIE. Sometimes we have to acknowledge the lie is there so we can discover the truth. The truth is God can take our deepest pains and use us to make a difference in the lives of others.

You meant to hurt me, but God turned your evil into good to save the lives of many people, which is being done.

Genesis 50:20 NCV

You are chosen.  You may not have any idea of what he has chosen you to do and that is okay.  For now, just know that you are chosen. 

Before He made you in your mother’s womb, He chose you.

Before you were born, He set you apart for a special work.  

Jeremiah 1:5 NCV

Remember how awkward middle school was, especially in PE?  The coach would pick two people and they would take turns picking people to be on their team.  Do you remember the excitement and relief you felt when they pointed at you and picked you to be their team? 

God has chosen you.  He has picked you to do something special.  That is why you are uniquely you.  

What do you think He has chosen you to do? Ask Him. Seek Him, and go after your dreams.

Stay in your lane.

Sometimes I find myself watching others and thinking He must want me to do what she is doing or maybe I can be like her!  No!  It is so easy to get off track when we are focused on what others are doing instead of what He has called us to do.  When we are trying to do what they are doing, how can we do what He created us to do? 

You do you.  

The other trap for me is when I think God can’t use me because someone else is already doing it, saying it, writing it or thinking of it.  This kind of thinking will not only cause us to get off track, it will shut us down.  Anytime we are tempted to look at others and think we have to do what they are doing or we don’t need to do anything because someone is already doing it – Stop.  

We have to get back in our lane, keep our eyes on the prize, and remember the promise:  You Are Chosen.  

You are a gift.

One of the biggest lies I had to overcome when I first started going to counseling was that “I was a mistake”.  I honestly don’t recall anyone ever telling me that I was a mistake, and yet it was deeply seared into my being.  

As my counselor helped me to unravel this lie, I came across this verse in the bible: 

Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him.
Psalm 127:3 NLT

When I looked at my children, I believed that verse was true with all of my heart. They were truly a gift, but why did I struggle to believe that verse when I looked in the mirror?

Why was it hard for me to believe that I was a gift?

Why did I think I was a mistake and a burden to others? 

My counselor helped me to explore all of the paths that led me to doubt and I chewed on that verse for a while. When I felt like I was a burden or a mistake, I would speak the words of truth.  

I am a gift.  

Children are a gift. 

You are a gift. 

It is a simple promise and yet it is so big. You are a gift even if it doesn’t feel like it.  It doesn’t matter how you were received or how you were treated or celebrated.  

Children are a gift.  It doesn’t say children are a gift when they are wrapped in shiny packages and delivered to perfect people in wonderful circumstances. 

It simply says, children are a gift.  So, you are a gift even if you were yelled at, or abused.  You are a gift even if you had health issues or experienced the pain of a divorce.  You are a gift, even if you were abandoned or neglected.  You are a gift even if you were told otherwise.  

Honestly, I really had to wrestle with this. As much as I wanted to believe I was a gift, the mean voices in my head would tell me, “You are not a gift! How can a gift be a mistake?  How can a gift be sexually abused? Are you really a gift?” It made me want to doubt the truth, but anytime those thoughts popped up, I tried to focus on the promise. I wrote the truth on an index card and carried it with me. I listened to songs (like Gold by Britt Nicole) on repeat because music is a great way to embed truth in my heart. Over time, I believed it: Yes, I am a gift. 

I love to shop for gifts, especially when I know it is something you will love. I will go through great efforts to get it, and I will be so excited to give it to you.  

It will be a gift no matter how you receive it or what you do with it. If you sell it, trash it or regift it that doesn’t change the fact that it was a gift given to you.  It certainly doesn’t change the heart of the giver.  

Yes, the world is imperfect and it is filled with imperfect people, but The Giver is perfect and He never changes.  He gives good gifts, and He says you are a gift. 

Do you know that you are a gift?  Can you imagine being wrapped in the shiniest box with a big bow on top? Look in the mirror and look at the gift.  YOU.  

Exercise:  If you struggle to believe that you are a gift, take a moment to think about what gave you that impression. Pray and ask God to show it to you, and to replace the lies with truth.  Write out the promises and/or draw them.  When I was in counseling, I used colored pencils to help connect with my inner child to revisit the lies and replace them with truth.

As you replace the lies with truth, focus on the promises and let them sink in starting with this promise:  YOU ARE A GIFT! 

You are worth more than rubies.

A wife of Noble Character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.

Proverbs 31:10

We were having a purple chair evening and each child had their turn in the purple chair. When we started talking to our daughter, we found ourselves venturing into new territory – High School, boys, dating, grades, sports, focus and expectations.

As all of that swirled around in my brain and mixed with my own past, I felt the sudden urge to tell her, “You are worth more than rubies!”

Throughout our conversation, I must’ve said it at least three times. When she was leaving to go to bed my heart was pounding and I felt desperate as I kissed her forehead and looked into her eyes again and proclaimed slowly, “You are worth more than rubies!”

She smiled and looked back at me and said, “Then remind me of that everyday.”

I laid in bed unable to sleep thinking about that statement. I looked up the verse in the bible and found it in Proverbs 31, and it hit me. The bullets started firing:

  • Do I believe I am worth more than rubies?
  • Do I really?
  • Have I ever believed it?
  • What kind of example have I been to her?
  • How has my brokenness affected her?
  • How have my insecurities harmed her thinking?
  • Am I worth more than rubies?
  • Do I live like I am worth more than rubies?
  • What does she see when she looks at me?

I struggled that night, and I prayed. I wrestled with those thoughts. I read Proverbs 31 again. The mom was telling her son that “A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth more than rubies.”

The mom was describing a wife of noble character to her son, but I wondered would that wife think she was worth more than rubies? Would that wife truly know her worth?

On my wedding day, I had the dress, the jewelry and the updo, but I can assure you I did not feel like I was worth anything. I simply felt lucky and blessed to be getting married. Thinking back, I realized instead of feeling like a princess, I felt unworthy.

I continued to roll over in regrets and I tossed and turned with sadness. I felt guilty, like I had really blown it as a mom.

And then I drew a line in the sand.

It’s too late to change yesterday and all the years gone by, but tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow is a chance to start fresh. Every day is a new day to declare and believe that I am worth more than rubies.

Sure, I can tell my daughter everyday that she is worth more than rubies, but I can also live it and model it for her.

I can live in the truth of my identity in Christ.

If I am going to pass anything on to my daughter, I want to give her my crown and not any of my baggage, insecurities or generational strongholds.

I can wear the crown and be the princess God created me to be.

I can believe I am worth more than rubies, and I can live like I am worth more than rubies. She is watching me. I want her to see her worth.

She is worth more than rubies.

You are worth more than rubies.

Put on your crown and join us on a 31 day adventure to discover, live and believe this truth: You are worth more than rubies!

JOY in the WAITING

IMG_5442

My word for 2018 was JOY so I bought a necklace with the word “joy” on it to remind me that no situation, person or event could steal my joy. I wanted to remember each day that Jesus was the source of my joy.

Some days I lived and understood that better than others, but there was a moment where I truly experienced indescribable joy. If joy could cover me from head to toe and penetrate every fiber of my being, this was it. 

I didn’t win the lottery or slap my knee with a deep belly laugh.  In fact, if you were with me that day, you wouldn’t have noticed anything different about me.  You would have missed the absolute dance fest party I was having on the inside.  I was in a room full of women and girls and I wanted to stand up and scream at the top of my lungs – “NOW This is JOY!”

I experienced true joy when I completely let go and surrendered a situation to God and waited for Him to come through for me.  

I came across a poem my daughter had written, and it broke my heart. I felt the pain in every word and I ached even more because I had no idea she was struggling or hurting! I knew she had written these words, but I didn’t know what to do with them.   

At first I thought maybe I should just go and wake her up! I wanted to ask her who in the world said these mean things to her? What made her believe these awful lies about herself? I wanted her to see and believe the truth.

I wanted to fix this, but I felt like God was telling me to wait.  

I couldn’t sleep so I just laid there praying throughout the night. Even as I prayed, I would think of ways to handle it and even offered my suggestions to God, but I sensed Him saying, “Wait. You just wait.” 

I could not stop thinking about it because it triggers me to think about protecting my daughter. I struggle with thinking I have to control keeping her from harm. With waiting, I had no idea how it would turn out. What if waiting didn’t work? I finally texted two friends to join me in prayer.

“Wait, you just wait.” I kept hearing it, and I knew I simply had to wait and trust that He was working behind the scenes and would answer my cry for “Help!”

He answered in ways I never could have imagined in His perfect timing.  

A few weeks later, we were at our Mother/Daughter Bible Study and I was surprised to see her raise her hand and offer to share what she had learned from the lesson.  She said, “I am not sure if this makes sense, but sometimes I feel like a Lego in a bubble. My bubble is school, church, family, friends, and soccer.  As long as that bubble is going well, then I am safe inside… but I can’t always depend on that bubble, because eventually if one of them falls apart then the bubble is gone and the lego will fall. Instead, I need to let God be my bubble. He is what keeps me safe and secure.  He holds me together.  

I sat there beaming as I listened to her share her heart and perspective. The whole time, I was thanking God for helping me to wait because He did far more in her heart than I could have ever accomplished on my own. I could hardly wait to text my two friends to tell them how God answered!

 “Waiting” is hard for me. My silent screams for help went on throughout my childhood and no one stopped the abuse. A very big part of me believes I have to control my circumstances, or else there will be disaster. For me, “being in charge” is not just a title. It truly feels like life or death at times.  

But Jesus is showing me something new. He is teaching me that I can let go of that “need to be in control” and trust Him. He is showing me there is joy in the waiting.  My word for 2019 is wait, and I am learning to practice it with joy. I am learning to let go, and wait.   

Waiting on God is not easy, but it changes everything.

Are you in a season of waiting? Do you struggle with wanting to take matters into your own hands when you sense God is asking you to wait? I would love to pray for you as you wait and I’d love to hear how God moves. Please feel free to comment below or email me at journeypink@gmail.com.  Psalm 27:14 encourages my heart as I wait. What verse encourages you?

Here’s what I’ve learned through it all:
Don’t give up; don’t be impatient;
be entwined as one with the Lord.
Be brave and courageous, and never lose hope.
Yes, keep on waiting—for he will never disappoint you!

Psalm 27:14 The Passion Translation (TPT)