There were times when I could easily blame caffeine. But this wasn’t caffeine.
This was anxiety, worry, and questioning God while tossing and turning.
Even when I attempted to close my eyes, my heart full of angst was wrestling inside of me.
There would be no sleep.
It’s a familiar place as I have been here before, but it’s been a while.
It’s almost like seeing life as a Fun House at the amusement park, but this is not fun at all. As I am walking through it the floors move, and the stairs stop suddenly halfway up to the next level. The walls give when I lean against them and mirrors reflect anything but what I am expecting. Furniture that was once there shifts. I think my mind is playing tricks on me. Maybe it is just an illusion, I hope.
I found my six-year-old son’s wish list for Christmas and laughed when I saw he wanted a robot to do his homework for him.
As his mom, I know better. I know homework will help him, and will prepare him for the quizzes, tests and exams that will come. I love him too much to let him skip his homework because I know what is good for him.
Likewise Jesus knows what is good and beneficial for me. He’s the greatest teacher ever. He knows what lies ahead. He knows where I need testing. He knows that my “homework” is good for me, too. When I struggle with discipline, time management and listening, God is gracious to meet with me everyday to mold, teach, refine and train me. But, it is up to me to do my homework. It is up to me to study. It’s up to me to show up. I have to trust, and be willing to have my faith stretched. When I mess up, I have to be willing to try again. When I fall, I have to be willing to stand back up. When I want to move, I have to practice being still.