Truth 29: Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight. Proverbs 3:5-6
A note from my journal:
Plans for Me. Aug 26, 2012
I sent email to a Christian Counselor who listed childhood sexual abuse as one of her specialties…and this was her verse: Isaiah 61:3..to give beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness that they might be called trees of righteousness…that He might be glorified. *Panic*
I did it! Aug 27, 2012 I called to make the appointment and the receptionist said she is no longer taking patients at this time. She scheduled me an appointment with another counselor. I explained that I really wanted to see the Isaiah 61:3 counselor because I am looking for specific help with CSA. She encouraged me to try this counselor as her profile indicates she can assist as well. I am sure God already knew this so I will just keep walking.
I remember my hands shaking when I picked up the phone to dial the counselor’s office and make the appointment. I had my heart set on the Isaiah 61:3 counselor, and I immediately felt intense disappointment and doubt when she said that counselor was not taking new patients.
As I was trying to listen to the receptionist, those unkind, mean and confusing voices in my head started yelling at each other all at once.
Maybe I shouldn’t go. Maybe this is not the place.
Why am I even doing this?
God, I thought you wanted me to see her!
Maybe I can’t be helped. I am crazy.
I will never get well!
It’s too late.
Thankfully, the receptionist patiently encouraged me to make the appointment with the other counselor and to give her a chance.
God used the verse to point me to the right place, and the receptionist to point me to the perfect counselor, for me.
I just had to keep walking and trusting.
That was the beginning of my healing journey and that pattern played out over and over.
I wanted a map. I wanted the path to be perfectly clear, and then I would put my foot on the pavement and move. I wanted to know how it would all play out.
I wanted control.
Slowly, but surely God was whispering to my heart, “I want you to trust me.”
With healing, I had no idea what was going to happen next. I didn’t have a map, and I could not even see a path.
He was teaching me to listen for that quiet whisper to my heart, “This is the way, walk …” and I would reluctantly step into the unknown.
God was patient with me.
I wanted control. I wanted it my way. I wanted what made sense to me.
I made very strong statements to my counselor while gripping rocks in my hand on her safe sofa: “I will not tell… I will not confront… I will not forgive!”
In those moments, I was relying on own limited understanding and operating in my own flesh, power and strength. My map was limited, and my control kept me frozen…
…and then God would whisper, “move…this way.”
I would take another step into the unknown, and He would prove faithful.
He was turning my “will not’s” into possibilities.
God was making my paths straight.