Breakthrough

               

You know that feeling when you discover you have more healing to work through? When will it ever end? Will it ever end?                 

When I was editing my memoir last weekend, I came across a section where I shared how I felt about my body and how my counselor challenged me to think differently about my body. She encouraged me to see it and treat it as a temple.

That was seven years ago, and I still struggle with my body. I have always struggled with my body.

I spent my life avoiding mirrors, bathing suits, and changing in front of anyone. 

Body issues are just one example of what a survivor has to work through.

The other day I listened to a random podcast.

It wasn’t random.

God is gracious in His timing, and as I listened to this podcast, it clicked, and I realized for the first time one of the reasons I struggle with my body. We talked about it before in counseling, but this time it clicked – there was a breakthrough.

I will give you a hint: Dopamine.

Sexual Abuse may not leave visible wounds, but there are layers and layers of physical, mental, and emotional destruction.

Thankfully, God is a God of Breakthrough!

The beginning of BREAKTHROUGH is awareness.

I am aware now, and I know God is going to deliver me. As I read through my memoir last weekend, I realized my story is evidence of God’s faithfulness to bring BREAKTHROUGH over and over again in the devastation and heartache.

I am still a work in progress, but he has healed me in so many ways. I will celebrate every breakthrough.

How has He delivered you, and what breakthrough can you celebrate today?

If you are feeling that knot in your stomach from realizing there is more work ahead, take a moment to celebrate the work you have accomplished and how far you have come!

*The podcast if you are interested is Waist Away with Chantel Ray, Episode 323.

*This song is my breakthrough jam: Breakthrough by Eddie James.

This is why I wait upon you, expecting your breakthrough, for your word brings me hope. Psalm 130:5 TPT

You are not intimidated.

Fear of man will prove to be a snare,
    but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe.

Proverbs 29:25

I pray this sets someone free.  

It happened two Sunday’s ago. I walked in a little late to Sunday School and sat quietly in the empty chair directly in front of my friend Tope, the teacher. The four of us took turns reading through Proverbs 29. I had read the chapter before church and verse 25 stood out to me every time I read it.

When we finished reading, Tope sat back in her chair and asked us in her rich accent, “What do we see here?” When she looked at me, I read verse 25 out loud again and explained, “This verse really resonates with me.” As we discussed the verse, Tope said, “Yes, our fear of man can make them be like an idol in our life.”

I am not sure if I said it out loud or whispered it, “I am not afraid of him.” 

As they moved on to other verses, I stared at the Bible App on my phone, and started reading verse 25 in other translations. 

I was thinking, “I am not afraid of him, but I am still so afraid..why am I so afraid?” when I came across verse 25 in The Passion Translation:  

Fear and intimidation is a trap that holds you back.
But when you place your confidence in the Lord,
you will be seated in the high place.

Proverbs 29:25 TPT

My heart started pounding, and I saw mini-movies and screenshots flash in my mind of the ways he convinced me to NEVER TELL about the abuse. 

Can you imagine the amount of cruel intimidation it takes to ensure a child keeps a painful secret? As a child, I didn’t really understand all that was happening to me, but I completely understood that if I ever told, the most awful and dreadful things would happen. And, it would be all my fault because I told. I had to keep the secret.  

I could faintly hear them discussing another verse in Proverbs, because I was still staring at my phone and the word intimidation.

I thought about what it was like to live and grow up in fear. Bullied. Terrified. As an adult looking back to that small child inside of me, I felt deep anger and incredible sadness at the same time.    

Tope circled back to me and said, “Michelle, what are you thinking?”  

I shook my head and quietly said, “It is too soon,” because I felt very small and vulnerable. Yet, I also knew I was in a safe place with sisters in Christ, so I continued…

“When you said our fear of man can make them an idol in our life… I am not afraid of him.  On the day I confronted him, he walked in like a Goliath but he left small.  It’s not that I am afraid of him, but I am so very afraid. Look at this verse in The Passion Translation.”

As I read it, my eyes filled with tears and with a shaky voice I said, “Intimidation is a trap that holds you back. He bullied me constantly to keep me quiet. I never told.”

As I continued to break down and share more, they moved closer to me. Tope stood behind me and prayed over me. 

We were going to be late for church.  

A part of me felt like I needed to apologize to them, but I also knew I had experienced relief and deliverance once again and I was so thankful. There are layers and layers on this healing journey, and I’ve learned it is always worth it to keep going deeper and experience more healing and freedom.    

This spirit of intimidation has wreaked havoc in my life for years. It has held me back and made me feel trapped. 

Have you been bullied? Intimidated? Filled with fear? Manipulated into silence?  

It’s a trap, designed to hold you back. 

I’m praying you are able to see how you were intimidated and bullied.

I’m praying you are able to grieve the deep pain from it.

I’m praying you have a safe place to process how it impacted you. 

I’m praying you are delivered from the trap. 

You are not intimidated. 

Your confidence is in the Lord. 

You are safe.  

You meditate on His Promises

My eyes stay open through the watches of the night, that I may meditate on your promises.

Psalm 119:148

For many years, I have heard those awful mean voices in my head that tell me I am not enough. Over and over, they declare that I am not good enough, I am not smart enough, and I am not strong enough.  Whatever the challenge, they scream “You can’t do this!” And when I fail, I hear the awful taunting of “I told you so. Why do you even try?”    

It’s awful.

I wish I could tell you those mean voices are gone and that I don’t hear them anymore, but they are still there. However, I don’t hear them as often and they are not as loud as they used to be.  

What changed? 

I started talking back to them. I started declaring God’s promises to me and I’d say it right back to them.  

“You can’t do it. You will never be able to do it.”

  • Oh yeah? Well I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.  

“You are going to fail. This is going to be a big flop.”

  • Maybe I will fail. Maybe this will flop, but I am still going to try. Even if it fails, it will be okay. I will keep going. God is with me. He will never leave me nor forsake me.  

“Who do you think you are?” 

  •  Glad you asked. Me? I am chosen, loved, adored, precious, the apple of His eye and His princess.  Etc. Etc. Etc.

“Why bother? You are a nobody and nobody cares.”

  • HE cares. He leaves the 99 to find the one, and He found me and rescued me. I am His, and He cares deeply for me. He can use me to help others, even if it is just one.

“Don’t do it. You will regret it.”

  • I am going to do it. I will regret not trying. I may very well regret it, but then again, maybe I won’t. Either way, He is with me.

I am still a work in progress, but I am learning to fight back. The enemy has taken enough ground from me.

If you have mean voices in your head screaming at you, it can be challenging. It used to keep me frozen in fear. What helped me to thaw?  I found freedom in Christ and in His promises. The Truth will set you free.

For if you embrace the truth, it will release more freedom into your lives.

John 8:32 TPT

Discover the truth of what He says about you in His Word. Declare it over yourself daily. Memorize these truths, and recite them as needed. Write them down. Write down the lessons you learn from them. Implant them in your mind and your heart. Continue to make them so loud in your life that the mean voices become just a whisper.

I made a bookmark to remind me of His promises, and I will be happy to send you one in the mail. Email me at journeypink@gmail.com with your address. May His truth saturate your entire being. 

What truths help you to shut down the mean voices in your head?