trauma

Baby Steps: He delights in every step.

~ Michelle Viscuse ~ 4 Comments

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I planned to meet with someone to share my story with her.  At this point, I had only shared with my counselor, my husband, and a few friends. She was coming over to visit and both my husband and I felt like she needed to know.  

We were both stopped in a parking lot and she was behind me in her car. I looked in my rear-view mirror and saw her smiling. I knew once I told her I could not take it back. I was terrified of what she would think of me. I even debated not telling her at all.  As I looked ahead again, I noticed a beautiful bird on the sign in front of me.  I snapped the photo and smiled remembering “His eye is on the sparrow,” and I knew He was with me. We turned out of the parking lot and headed home.  

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When I sat down on the sofa to tell her, the words just stumbled out. Her eyes were wide and she looked shocked. When I finished talking, I took a deep breath and waited for her response.

Even though I rehearsed what I would say to her and I tried to anticipate her response, I never saw this coming.  

She started by telling me how proud she was of me.  She knew and understood how incredibly difficult it was for me to share with her because she had just completed Darkness to Light training for her job. She shared what she learned in her training about the devastating effects of Childhood Sexual Abuse. She also knew that I was not alone and many others suffered in silence. She reiterated to me that I was brave and she believed me.

God was in all of the details and the timing. He was with me every step of the way. 

He prompted me to share my story with her. Seeing the bird reminded me that His eye was on the sparrow, and He filled me with courage to tell her. He prepared her with the training and she knew how to best respond to me. She had just completed the training, so it was all very fresh and raw in her mind. His timing was perfect.  

God was preparing me to share with others. I was learning to look for Him and to listen for Him. He was teaching me to trust Him, and He was showing me that He would be with me and help me. I was learning to trust His timing, both in the right now and in the waiting.   

He was giving me the confidence to take the next step, with Him. 

The steps of the God-pursuing ones follow firmly in the footsteps of the Lord, and God delights in every step they take to follow him. Psalm 37:23 TPT

This is post #29 in the Baby Steps series.  To start at the beginning, click here.

Baby Steps:  Jesus said, “Little Girl, Get Up.” 

~ Michelle Viscuse ~ 2 Comments

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I was connecting with the little girl (LG) inside of me. I would draw and write with colored pencils. I bought coloring books with scripture and would focus on the words and staying in the lines with bright markers.  Dancing at Zumba reminded me of her and all of the years of dance.  Music would always take me back, but it really depended on the song.  Some made me smile, and others I promptly turned off.

I looked through old pictures of me, and this was the one that caught my eye.  Maybe it was the white dress or the cute hair bows. Or, perhaps it was because I had cut my bangs. Mostly it was because that little spark was still in my eyes.  You couldn’t really see it in the other pictures. 

I put her picture on my desktop at work, on my phone and on my laptop. On days when I felt like giving up, I’d look at this picture and remember that I was fighting for her. At this point, it felt like she was almost out of that dark and scary closet filled secrets and shame.

I loved her, and we were connecting.

My weekend was filled with secrets.  I made a box of secrets, and I heard the word “secrets” several times.

I went to a Beth Moore conference and the topic was Sacred Secrets.  Then on Sunday, my pastor preached a sermon on the secret healings of Jesus and how some healings were private and others were public. He started with the story of the woman with the bleeding issue, and then he moved on to little girl in Mark 5:

They said she was dead. But Jesus showed up and took her by the hand and said two words “Talitha Koum!” (which means “Little girl, I say to you, get up!”) 

Those words were illuminated on the page of my Bible and my heart started racing.  He continued reading as I followed along, “Immediately the girl stood up and began to walk around (she was twelve years old).”

It was as if Jesus had whispered directly to the heart of the little girl inside of me, “Talitha Koum! Little girl, I say to you, get up!” It was time.

There would be no more hiding or cowering.

LG was finally out of that dark closet and she was by my side holding my hand.

After church, my daughter and I made this picture of Talitha Koum using the confetti from the Beth Moore conference. In the future, I planned to share with her what it meant to me and explain that those two words convinced me that Jesus heals little girls, including LG.

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Now it felt like we were one and together we were fierce.  

 He took her by the hand and said to her, “Talitha koum!” (which means “Little girl, I say to you, get up!”)  Mark 5:41 NIV 

This is post #28 in the Baby Steps series.  To start at the beginning, click here.

Baby Steps: He has set us free.

~ Michelle Viscuse ~ 4 Comments

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I walked into the room holding my box, and I could not wait for her to see it. I opened it up and my counselor looked inside.  I felt like she could see every word and know the story behind it, but she asked me to pick a few and talk about it.  The session went really well, and I was proud of myself for making the box and sharing it with her.  

The box was powerful because it housed all of my secrets. While I felt strong sharing them with her, by the time I got into my car, I was struggling… again.  

My pounding heart ached while anxiety and panic permeated my entire being. The voices in my head were loudly arguing over how I was going to ruin everything by spilling these secrets.  

I turned up the radio and they were introducing a song from the movie Sister Act 2. It was called His Eye is on The Sparrow by Lauren Hill & Tanya Blount. I had heard the song before. 

But not like this.  

I turned it up even louder.  I hummed along at first, and mumbled a few words. 

As I continued down the interstate in direct sunlight, I sang along at the top of my lungs:  “I sing because I’m happy, I sing because I’m free.  His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me….”

It was worship, and it was deep. 

I heard the gentle whisper, “free at 40.” 

My birthday was coming up, but free at 40? I had no idea what that meant, and since we were only days away that seemed impossible.   

Then I heard it again, “free at 40.” 

What would that even look like? How could I possibly be free at 40? 

Free at 40.  It didn’t seem possible, but I sure liked the sound of it.  

Let me be clear, the Anointed One has set us free—not partially, but completely and wonderfully free! We must always cherish this truth and stubbornly refuse to go back into the bondage of our past. Galatians 5:1 (TPT) 

This is post #27 in the Baby Steps series.  To start at the beginning, click here.

Baby Steps: His light breaks my chains.

~ Michelle Viscuse ~ 1 Comment

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Something really big happened in me during that facedown laid flat prayer time.  He lifted me and He gave me a voice, but He also filled me to the top with courage, boldness and passion.

Something shifted inside of me. 

In my group therapy session, she gave us each a small box, magazines, scissors and glue. Our assignment was to cut out and glue words and images on both the inside and the outside of the box.  

The words and images on the outside of the box displayed what we were comfortable with others knowing about us. The outside of the box represented how others see us and what we are willing to show others. This was mostly public information. 

 Whereas, the inside of the box was private information.  The inside of the box was how you saw yourself and what  you did not want others to see or know about you. The images and words inside of the box made us uncomfortable especially if others knew about them.  

The room filled with the noise of the magazine pages flipping, scissors cutting, and pages ripping while music played softly in the background. 

Words started to pop off of the pages.  Some were just seemingly harmless words but they were very significant to me.  

We took the boxes home to finish them, and I continued to cut and paste away. I found a slightly bigger box to hide my box in, because I didn’t want anyone to see it.  I decided to cover the outer box with words of healing and truth.  These words represented what I truly wanted for myself and this truth covered all of the messiness that was inside.  

 I was afraid to share my box with the group. I shared the outside, but not the inside. I brought the box with me to my individual session and showed my counselor the inside and explained what each side represented. 

Creating this box was so powerful. I continued to bring it to my sessions and it helped me to find words to share how the abuse had affected my body, mind and soul.  

The inside of the box was filled with shameful secrets and it was all so dark and dirty. All of those words and images kept me chained to the darkness. I desperately longed to be free.

The box was open now, and His light was shining into the darkness.

His light broke through the darkness and
he led us out in freedom from death’s dark shadow
and snapped every one of our chains. Psalm 107:14 TPT

This is post #26 in the Baby Steps series.  To start at the beginning, click here.