Music triggers me.
I was leaving work and the song “Against All Odds” came on by Phil Collins.
As I sat waiting in traffic, I remembered…
Sitting on the riding lawn mower listening to this song on my Walkman and crying my eyeballs out. I think I was in the 4th or 5th grade and a girl in high school had committed suicide in our town. They said she did it because her dad had died and she missed him so much. I remember imagining her laying still on the ground with pictures of him all around her.
With the music playing in my car, I could almost smell the freshly cut grass and I felt the emotion like it was yesterday. What would I do if he died? What if he killed himself? I would feel so guilty and be so sad. It would just be awful.
I didn’t want him to die, and if I ever told anyone our secret, then he would die. And, it would be all my fault.
I knew I could never tell a soul.
It would be too risky, and besides, “he’s the only one who really knew me at all.”
“So take a look at me now…”
As I pulled out of the parking lot my eyes filled with tears. The emotional part of the abuse is so painful. The burden. The shame. The heavy responsibility.
I was just a child in elementary school thinking and believing that I would be responsible if he died. My fault. My problem.
I was still crying when I got home because I couldn’t imagine or fathom how anyone could put that on a child.
Worry was my normal.
Will he kill himself?
Will it be my fault?
Will anyone find out?
What will happen to me?
Will I die?
Should I die?
Eventually my tears stopped. My sadness turned to anger and then later turned to sadness again.
This memory has been triggered before, but this time it was as if the heaviness of it crashed onto me in a new way. A deeper way.
It just seemed so overwhelmingly cruel to threaten a child with suicide – but it certainly kept me quiet for a very long time.
But not forever… because “he wasn’t the only one who really knew me at all.”
That’s one of the many lies that shaped my identity.
Healing from Childhood Sexual Abuse has helped me to untangle those lies, one lie at a time.
On this journey, I discovered the truth. I was intricately known and loved by my Creator. He did not create me to be abused. He did not design me as His masterpiece to be violated.
I’ve had to lay down the lies, surrender the worry and cling to the Truth daily, sometimes hourly.
I am seen.
I am known.
I am loved.
He’s writing my beautiful story.
It’s beautiful because Jesus has personally delivered His light into the darkest parts of me. He’s given me the Courage to take every step and He’s never let go of my hand. His Truth breathed fresh Hope into my soul. He’s gracefully torn down my walls, he’s broken the chain of lies that bound me and through Him I’ve experienced true Freedom.
I’ve given Him the paper and the pen. This beautiful story is His story.
It may not always look beautiful or feel beautiful, but it is because He’s taken the messiest parts of my life and created purpose.
Nothing makes my heart pound so wildly in my chest than when I’m taking the next step of faith with Him.
I don’t know what lies were whispered in your ears in the darkness or what freezes you in fear. I don’t know if you struggle with anxiety or what all you deal with, but I do know His grace is sufficient.
Where do you start? I didn’t pray eloquent prayers. Sometimes I just sobbed, “Help me. Help.”
That’s still my go to prayer, and He’s still faithful. Every single time.
He’s a good Father.
He is faithful.
He rescues, redeems and restores.
He knows everything about you and He’s writing your beautiful story too.
Will you let His strength give you courage when it seems so impossible?
Will you be still and let Him breathe wild, fresh Hope into your soul?
Will you let His Truth chip away the walls and lies that have held you back?
This story… His story is going to be beautiful.
I can’t wait to read it.
