ENCOUNTERING GOD BY NAME: MY PROVIDER

I remember bringing her home from the hospital and holding her in my arms crying. As I sat on my bed nursing her, the very real dangers she would face as a little girl hit me like a ton of bricks. I had to keep her safe. I had to do everything in my power to protect her. I didn’t want anyone to hurt her. I knew how scary it was to be a little girl.

As I sat there gazing at her beauty and innocence, a fierceness rose up in me and I vowed to keep her safe. I had to keep her close. I did not trust anyone.  

As she grew, the memories from my own childhood would suddenly pop up and overwhelm me. I went to counseling to begin healing from the devastation of the sexual abuse and trauma I experienced as a child.  

I had not shared these secrets with anyone. I didn’t want to ever talk about them, but memory after memory continued to roll in like waves on the shore. I was at the end of my rope and all I could do was trust Him. It took everything in me to place this sealed away part of me in God’s hands…

Click below to continue reading:

Join me over at Hidden Treasures and Riches for my dear friend Tope’s series: Encountering God by Name.  She asked me to share my story of how I have experienced God as “Jehovah Jireh, My Provider”.  Click here to read the rest of “ENCOUNTERING GOD BY NAME: MY PROVIDER.” 

“Lucky” and Blessed

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“Lucky” and Blessed

A playground filled
with cheer
and fear

Dance lessons
teach grace
And body awareness

Piano practice
An escape in the notes
So hard to focus

Sports trophies
Adrenaline and energy
Mixed with doubt and frustration

Homework and tests
Never let them see you struggle
Always make the A

Prom sparkle and nails
A brief getaway
A never-ending ache

Sleepy, so very tired
Bad dreams, being chased
Exhausted… in darkness.

I am his.

Leaving the back row pew
A friendly smile
Pursues me

A warm meal
And Bible Study
Invited

A white dress
With a stained heart
Push it down forever

Baby’s first cry
Awakens hope
And fierce love

Three babies
Tired mama
The dreams are back

A counselor
A couch
A voice with a story.

Messy
And hard
Yet wonderful.

Safe
No shame.
Loved.

Rest.
Be still,
& know…

I am His.  

Embracing Christmas …when it’s less than perfect

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I am all about traditions, routine, order, and knowing what to expect.  When plans change, it can be very triggering for me. Even something as lovely as a vacation can set me on edge and make me feel vulnerable. As much as I smile and delight in the fun on the outside, on the inside I am fighting anxiety and panic with both fists. It is a weary battle.  

Bring on the holidays, and that is a recipe for pure angst. 

There are:

  • Fewer lights on the tree than the many strands I envisioned.
  • Explosions of emotion and memory from opening the boxes of ornaments.
  • Eleven destroyed ornaments so far from our sweet puppy, Maisy Jane.
  • Professional family photos that haven’t been scheduled.
  • Christmas cards that haven’t been created or ordered.
  • No pictures on Santa’s lap.
  • No long lists of oh so fun to find “hot toys” – instead, “just get me this one big item”.
  • Fewer gifts, which means less hiding, less wrapping, and less opening.
  • Painful aches for those who are absent.
  • Tears for the friend who received the awful diagnosis.
  • Sleepless nights tossing and turning in prayer for the heart of a child.
  • Changes in friendships, relationships, and traditions.  

In all of the dazzling merriment, there are disappointments, frustrations, and unmet expectations. 

How should we respond?

Mary was pregnant and traveling on a donkey with swollen feet and an aching back. She did not have a reservation at the Hilton. There was no guest room available for her.  She was going to give birth in a stable without an epidural. 

But in the smelly, messy, and painful circumstances surrounding Mary, light burst forth as she delivered a Love like no other.  

That same Love exists today in your smelly, messy, painful circumstances.
Do you see Him?  Can you find Him there? 

Just this week, I found Him in a powerful therapy session, a gentle rebuke, and an encouraging lunch.

He is with us always. We are never alone.
Like Mary, we can sit in the mess and hold onto to Jesus. 

Whatever this season brings, take the time to embrace Jesus especially when its messy, disappointing and even confusing. Be still in His presence and embrace His Love.  

Embrace Emmanuel, God with us.  

Behold, a virgin shall be with child, and shall bring forth a son, and they shall call his name Emmanuel, which being interpreted is, God with us. Matthew 1:23 KJ21

Remember His Words

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Then they remembered his words.  Luke 24:8

When I finished the last post for Baby Steps, my plan was to continue writing my story.  Instead, I took a break and I have barely opened my laptop.

Sometimes, when I put it down it is hard to pick it back up. 

Truth be told, there are times when I would prefer to just live in the “now” and never look back.  

But God.

When I was writing the Baby Steps series, I saw His faithfulness intertwined with my tears. Yes, I would remember the pain. But, I would also remember the promises He brought to fruition.  

You see, looking back helped me to remember His words. 

In Luke 24, when the women went to the tomb they found it empty.  It wasn’t what they expected and at first they were shocked and confused. The angels appeared to them and said, “Why do you look for the living among the dead? He is not here; he has risen! Remember how he told you, while he was still with you in Galilee:  ‘The Son of Man must be delivered over to the hands of sinners, be crucified and on the third day be raised again.’ ”
Then they remembered His words.  
They went back to the share it with the disciples, but they were not believed.  Their words seemed like nonsense to the disciples.  

Jesus is always speaking.  

His still small voice causes my heart to burn inside of me. 

Am I listening?  

Life is loud, and the noise can drown out His voice. My best time to listen is in the morning under the safe hum of the shower and hairdryer. My eyes are closed and my mind is quiet enough to hear. Speak Lord, your servant is listening.  

Then in the noise of life, the lies grow louder and take me under.  Suddenly, I feel sad. Defeated. Discouraged. Hopeless.

It will never happen for you. 
It is impossible.
Did God really say?
Who do you think you are? 
You are crazy.
You are worthless. 

It is an old mean voice that spouts the same lies that have taunted me for years behind my smile. Instead of delighting in the hum of the shower, I am now drowning in the pit of despair.  

The Word is Alive.  

As I was reading in Luke, I came across those five words: Then they remembered His words.  

It was as if that sentence was a neon sign on that page and suddenly His truth overpowered every single lie, one by one.    

Do you remember my Words? 

It’s going to happen.
I really said it. 
You are my child. 
You have a sound mind.
You are worth more than many sparrows. 

His truth ushers in hope.  

Do you remember His Words? 

What has He whispered to your heart? 

Was it about healing? Your marriage? Your child? Your job? Your calling?

Maybe right now the circumstances look bleak. In the weariness, the lies begin to fill your tank with doubt.  The old mean voices start to pound in your head. 

What did He say?  What does His Word say? 

Write out that truth. 
Say it out loud. 
Write it on a notecard and carry it with you.
Sing it.  

Look back and remember His words. 

Believe.