the ledge of love

I thought I was a little overwhelmed before.
Standing in the chasm of the unknown.
On the edge
With a tiny toe over.
Do I leap?
Or back fiercely against the stone wall?

There is no where to go.
The wall behind me is solid
No entry allowed.

So I must leap
Two toes over
I think I can
I think I can
Like a little train
In a tunnel
Choo-chooing
Towards any light .

I will leap.
One foot is out now
Extended in the open air
I will jump
And trust
That He will carry me

We have a history.

But the wall behind me
I know that wall.
It’s not comfortable
But it feels safe
Simply because it feels
Known.

Should I just jump?
Leap into the open air?
Go for it?
I can do this.

He will carry me.

We have a history.
One, two, three,
On your mark
Get set …

Corona

The wall behind me
Is the wall in front of me
Or is it?
Walled in.
No air.
No open space.
Toes bent in tension

Quiet.

The quiet is
Like cymbals inside my ear.
Clanging
But only I can hear them.

Awake.
Eyes open at night
Wishing
To wake up
To the ledge again

Disoriented.
Doubt seeps in.
Nerves exposed
In fears
what if’s.
No control.

Breathe.

Be still.
This is inside work.
Preparation
Strengthening the core
Of mind and spirit.
Breathe.

Waiting.
With Hope.
Remembering
His Faithfulness
We have a history.
This is a new chapter.
This is a new day.

Remember His faithfulness.
Remember His goodness.
Remember His love.

You are held.

A furious squall came up, and the waves broke over my life so much that I nearly drowned.  (Mark 4:37 rewritten) 

I immediately panicked and put on the nearest life vest floating on the water.

Then I grabbed buckets and furiously worked to dump the water out as quickly as possible. 

I cried and screamed until my throat hurt. I pounded my fists and through gritted teeth I finally yelled, “God, wake up! Are you asleep? Please help me! Can’t you see I’m drowning here? I’m sinking and there’s nothing else I can do.”

In exhaustion, I quit! I threw the life vests and buckets overboard and waited as the water continued to pour and rise.  

I thought I was going to die. Just before the water got up to my mouth I whispered, “I give up.”

Immediately I felt him hold me in his big arms and I heard him say, “Good, let’s get to work.” 

I laid there numb as the water stopped pouring. The waves were completely flat with just ruffles of movement. The dark clouds parted, and the sunshine warmed my face.  Everything was beautiful and bright. I was so tired that I fell asleep peacefully in his arms.  

When I woke up, I thanked him for coming to my rescue and saving me. He smiled and laughed a little when he replied, “Michelle, I was right here the entire time, but you were so determined to save yourself. You’ve always felt like you had to protect your world and everything in it. That feeling of needing to be in control helped you survive your childhood. It’s like a reflex for you.”

But now, that desperate need for control holds you back. It gets in your way and it paralyzes you. It doesn’t serve you well at all anymore, and it’s so automatic for you it’s hard for you to even see it.”

Now let’s try this again.

My eyes widened as the sky grew dark.  The clouds boomed and the lightning lit up the sky.  My heart started to race and I struggled in his arms.  The more I pulled away, the tighter he held me.  I winced as the water came up to my ears and this time instead of screaming I started to sing. I clapped my hands and raised my arms in worship as if the booming thunder and lights were just a part of the concert.  

A funny thing happened.

As I sang, my heart rate slowed down.  My eyes met His gaze. The panic and anxiety slowly left, but the storm raged on. 

It was as if I was floating on the furious waves. They continued to pound me, but I didn’t sink.  The water continued to rise but I didn’t drown. The wind blew with fury, but I hardly moved.  

Tears of Joy welled up in my eyes as I finally realized I was safe in the arms of my Heavenly Father. Safe in every season and in every storm! 

I simply had to let go.  

I had to learn how to part with fear and control, and how to link arms with faith and praise.  

It wasn’t easy, but when a new storm arrived and made my heart pound instead of looking for a way to control it or manage it, I looked for his arms.  

I remembered his faithfulness in prior storms. 

Even though I still get scared, I sing out loud in my shaky voice.  I lift my arms in praise through tears.  I say His name over and over, “Jesus, Jesus, Jesus.”

Music keeps me focused on being held. The praise keeps my focus on Jesus and not my circumstances.  

Jesus simply looked at the waves and commanded them to be still. Just like that! When there’s chaos, seek him, praise Him and let His presence usher peace and calm into your life. 

You are loved.

You are safe. 

You are held.  

Do you remember the last storm that swept into your life? What did you do to stay focused on Jesus? What song do you sing when your life is spinning out of control? What promise do you cling to in His word? As the storms rage all around you, how did you sense His presence?

Are you in a storm right now? I would love to pray for you. Please comment below or email me at journeypink@gmail.com.

Take Me to the King by Tamela Mann is a song that has blessed me in all of my storms. I pray it blesses you.

Dearly Loved Daughters

Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. Ephesians 5:2

The lens of Childhood Sexual Abuse affected my life and my vision. It distorted my perceptions and impacted my decisions. It filled me with fear and paranoia. It absolutely covered me from head to toe with shame. When I looked through that lens of brokenness, it affected how I saw God and how I saw myself.

But when I began looking through the truth of God’s Word, I could see. The truth set me free. Looking through the truth of God’s word will set you free.

The truth is I am a dearly loved daughter. Do you long to live as a dearly loved daughter?

Last weekend, I shared my story at the Boundless Sisterhood Conference. Click below to watch “Dearly Loved Daughters.”

You are His dearly loved daughter. Hold your head high, straighten your crown and walk in that love.

This was a song that I kept #onrepeat last year: “Dearly Loved” by Shaylee Simeone. I pray it blesses you.

You are not intimidated.

Fear of man will prove to be a snare,
    but whoever trusts in the Lord is kept safe.

Proverbs 29:25

I pray this sets someone free.  

It happened two Sunday’s ago. I walked in a little late to Sunday School and sat quietly in the empty chair directly in front of my friend Tope, the teacher. The four of us took turns reading through Proverbs 29. I had read the chapter before church and verse 25 stood out to me every time I read it.

When we finished reading, Tope sat back in her chair and asked us in her rich accent, “What do we see here?” When she looked at me, I read verse 25 out loud again and explained, “This verse really resonates with me.” As we discussed the verse, Tope said, “Yes, our fear of man can make them be like an idol in our life.”

I am not sure if I said it out loud or whispered it, “I am not afraid of him.” 

As they moved on to other verses, I stared at the Bible App on my phone, and started reading verse 25 in other translations. 

I was thinking, “I am not afraid of him, but I am still so afraid..why am I so afraid?” when I came across verse 25 in The Passion Translation:  

Fear and intimidation is a trap that holds you back.
But when you place your confidence in the Lord,
you will be seated in the high place.

Proverbs 29:25 TPT

My heart started pounding, and I saw mini-movies and screenshots flash in my mind of the ways he convinced me to NEVER TELL about the abuse. 

Can you imagine the amount of cruel intimidation it takes to ensure a child keeps a painful secret? As a child, I didn’t really understand all that was happening to me, but I completely understood that if I ever told, the most awful and dreadful things would happen. And, it would be all my fault because I told. I had to keep the secret.  

I could faintly hear them discussing another verse in Proverbs, because I was still staring at my phone and the word intimidation.

I thought about what it was like to live and grow up in fear. Bullied. Terrified. As an adult looking back to that small child inside of me, I felt deep anger and incredible sadness at the same time.    

Tope circled back to me and said, “Michelle, what are you thinking?”  

I shook my head and quietly said, “It is too soon,” because I felt very small and vulnerable. Yet, I also knew I was in a safe place with sisters in Christ, so I continued…

“When you said our fear of man can make them an idol in our life… I am not afraid of him.  On the day I confronted him, he walked in like a Goliath but he left small.  It’s not that I am afraid of him, but I am so very afraid. Look at this verse in The Passion Translation.”

As I read it, my eyes filled with tears and with a shaky voice I said, “Intimidation is a trap that holds you back. He bullied me constantly to keep me quiet. I never told.”

As I continued to break down and share more, they moved closer to me. Tope stood behind me and prayed over me. 

We were going to be late for church.  

A part of me felt like I needed to apologize to them, but I also knew I had experienced relief and deliverance once again and I was so thankful. There are layers and layers on this healing journey, and I’ve learned it is always worth it to keep going deeper and experience more healing and freedom.    

This spirit of intimidation has wreaked havoc in my life for years. It has held me back and made me feel trapped. 

Have you been bullied? Intimidated? Filled with fear? Manipulated into silence?  

It’s a trap, designed to hold you back. 

I’m praying you are able to see how you were intimidated and bullied.

I’m praying you are able to grieve the deep pain from it.

I’m praying you have a safe place to process how it impacted you. 

I’m praying you are delivered from the trap. 

You are not intimidated. 

Your confidence is in the Lord. 

You are safe.