February 14, 2013
I decided try to find blogs that related to my story. I’d looked before I started counseling and didn’t come across any. This time I found a Tumblr blog where a girl took pictures of women holding up signs with statements that related to their story.
For example, one lady held a sign that said, “No one will ever believe you.”
I started clicking through each photo, and noticed at the bottom of the page it listed all of the blogs that were following this blog. I finally found the blogs I’d been looking for and I started reading. Real stories. True life. Despair.
By the time my husband came home, I was sobbing and my eyes and nose were a puffy red mess. I was a wreck.
Every other page said, “trigger warning” and the stories were so sad. Some shared all of the details. Some abruptly stopped posting so I had no idea how it ended. It was really hard stuff to take in.
I closed my laptop to put it all away and then, the voices started. “Who do you think you are? You think your story will end any different? You really want to put all of this out there for others to read? What are you thinking? You will regret it.”
At the time, I had an anonymous blog using the alias, “pink” and not my real name. I was already worried about being discovered. What if someone read it and figured out it was me? By the time I went to bed, my eyes were wide-open in panic and my heart was sinking. I’m going to be found out and everything will be ruined. Worries kept popping up and it felt like a full force attack.
I finally fell asleep and had a vivid dream and I wanted to write it down but I couldn’t wake up enough. Then, I had a another dream and it was about two pretzels.
There was a plain pretzel, and then another pretzel dipped in white chocolate and covered in sprinkles and in the dream I kept saying, “Yes, but a pretzel is still a pretzel”…and the message was they were both pretzels, but the one that had the sprinkles on it portrayed HOPE.
I woke up encouraged because Jesus is the sprinkles on my pretzel. I could relate to the stories and the life experiences on those blogs, but it all felt like the focus was all on the pretzel. My story didn’t change, but with Jesus there was hope.
The pretzel is important and it is a big deal, but I never wanted to forget the sprinkles.
Oh, the sprinkles.
Hope changes everything. Jesus gives me hope.
Remember your word to your servant,
for you have given me hope. Psalm 119:49 NIV